Monday, November 19, 2007

Lies

Withdrawal in the disease of sex and love addiction can be very paralyzing, almost as paralyzing as the disease itself.

I've sat here, laid here all morning needing to do so much work ... vacillating between a call to act out and a stronger desire to work toward recovery.

My husband came home unexpectedly ... and saw me here. He knew everything I had to get accomplished. I lied and told him that I had already taken a shower, been out to look for (but not find) the turkey for Thanksgiving and been to the gym. I haven't stepped foot outside the house. Why is it soooo hard to tell the truth?

I want to write him a note and tell him I lied ... but I don't know if it's wise. So, I'll pray about it and think about it and maybe talk to him about it tonight. I want so badly for him to think I'm OK ... why?? I'm not OK. That I'm perfect. I'm not perfect ... for goodness' sake that's the last thing I am.

The woman who was going to come to the SLAA meeting tonight e-mailed to say she is sick and won't be coming to the meeting tonight. My first reaction is ... that's good, I can isolate.

I am going to the doctor now to talk to him about depression. I wonder if I will lie to him too. God help me.

2 comments:

Me, Myself and I said...

It is not matter of staying at home closed praying and praying because it can help you out as much as you would love to. It is time to act and get out of this disease is disturbing you. The best you can do is talking to your husband and told him you lied to him, going to the doctor and say to him the truth.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Progress, not perfection -- ok, that's my favorite saying, because I need it so much myself! Still, it's a step just to write a blog post and admit the lie. I used to get upset with my husband when he would lie to me, but tell his sponsor or therapist the truth -- and ok, I still do get upset -- but I'm better about it.

Step 5 asks you to share with God, yourself and another person (just one other person) the nature of your wrongs. I'm happy that my husband is able to do this -- to tell someone the truth and that to share with me eventually. It's better than it was -- it shows he's working.