Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'm tired

It's often said in recovery that we keep acting out until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Today I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about sex. I'm tired of sex ruling my life. I'm tired of seeing every free moment of my time as an opportunity to pursue something sexual.

I don't even go to the place in my mind anymore where I blame the horny men who beg not for me, but for whatever sexual favor I've given them in the past. They are just sex addicts too. They beg because their minds won't set them free. They beg because I've been a source. Now and then I've begged them too.

It's all so ugly.

I looked at a series of photos at The Junky's Wife yesterday that made me sad. The images are of the progressive disease of a heroin addict. I thought how the images of sex addicts might look the same. Sadness and despair, and a worn out need to just get a tingle from their "drug." The images of our disease would be of broken wedding pictures, ratty hotel rooms, children left alone or worse set aside while mommy or daddy acted out, injured children, streetwalkers, public parks, genitals raw and sore from hours of masturbation, tired, worn out bodies.

God help us all.

4 comments:

Me,Myself and I said...

Ups & Dows are usual in a recovery, but the good thing is that it is only in your mind but not in your body.

Take care!

stayathomemotherdom said...

God help us all indeed. I can think where some of those photos of my life were and where they are going now. Good post...keep working on your steps!

thejunkyswife said...

Those photos were scary...the hard part for me was seeing how much the junky in question seemed to love his family, and how nothing stopped him from spiraling. It's sad. What a bummer I am!

Kellee said...

My sponsor always says that when the pain gets to be too much, that's when you find the strength to come back to recovery. Your "sick and tired of being sick & tired" analogy promted that thought.

I think the picture you paint of all addicts (specifically sex addicts) was a very accurate, gritty & beautiful all at once (not sure the beautiful part will make sense but I can't put it into words). It's too bad only those in recovery "get it."

God help us all...preach it, sister.