The other side of the pillow

This morning I wrote of crawling into the bed yesterday afternoon feeling giddy. This afternoon I can barely pry myself from the bed and feel as if I'll throw up and freeze to death all at once.

No, I haven't caught some mysterious illness, I am going through the very agonizing physical symptoms of withdrawal from addiction.

My mind is going wild with very specific thoughts of the things I'll never feel again and my body is grieving. I'm shivering and every nerve is on end.

I went to the bookstore this afternoon in hopes that some time away from home would maybe alleviate my suffering. But once I got there I felt as if my head were spinning out of control. Even trying to concentrate on a few words on the flap of a book, and especially scanning my eyes across a row of books, made me feel as if I would pass out. I quickly bought the book for my book club meeting next week and left, then wild to get back home and to crawl into bed and escape. But in this phase of withdrawal there is no escape. Even the dreams are haunting. I am angry at everything and I feel like I'll crawl out of my skin.

I write all this down as a reminder. I hope it is enough of a reminder.

I pick up my husband in another couple of hours at the airport. Having him here will help. It's hard that he doesn't know what is going on ... but just feeling him close may help.