Wednesday, November 07, 2007

One big step

In doing my fourth step work surrounding resentments against my stepfather (my abuser) I was able to admit to myself that being abused and told that "if you tell" made me feel powerful, as if I weilded a whole lot of power in my family. One of the reasons I've held on to the secret (subconciously, if not conciously) within my family is because it gives me power over my abuser. At any given time I can bring him to his knees like the helpless little child I was when he violated me. And while I rarely "feel" my anger at him, I can sense it in this truth. The selfishness and manipulation I find in myself in this context is ugly to look at, but I'm thankful to see them. Serenity cannot be found until I uncover these character defects, accept them for what that were and are and pray for their removal, as the steps teach me. It is my resentment and anger that keeps me tied to these defects, and my fourth step is helping me to uncover these things and to get real with myself.

It took me a long time to get the courage to do the fourth step. From the beginning it seemed so scary and even still today it seems gigantic. I've only truly just began. But I've always known it holds the key for me. I just had to let go of my self will, pray for the courage even when I didnt' want it, and wait one day at a time until I was ready to begin to open the doors where all the sick secrets lie. I had a whole lot of acting out to do, a few more resentments to build, and a lot of fear to work through before I could get started. But because I kept coming back, knowing that inside me is a survivor powered by the grace of my Higher Power, I knew I would get there.


bella said...

One step at a time, one day, one breath.
Unlocking secrets is sometimes harder then the secrets themselves.
And after a while they come to define us, shape us, and who will be without them?
You are right that this takes courage. Courage you possess.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Secrets do confer a feeling of power. Early in recovery, I pressed my husband hard for details about what he had done with whom because I wanted to break that bond of secrecy between him and the other women. If I knew their secrets too, I felt they would have no power over me.

Anonymous said...

As I sat in a meeting the other day, suddenly the part of the 12 sreps leaped out at me. It made me wonder if my strugle witht his step is a misinterpitation of "the exsct nsture of our wrongs". I thought I would post here befor taslking to my sponsor about it. Does it mean I need to list every wrong I have done to every person, or the nature of the wrongs....such as I stole ten dollars from joe blow, I have used women to my as simply an way to bolster my percieved self esteme.....or should I just be a ble to admit I was a thief....I was a user of other people for my own personel gratification...I hope you all get the idea....your input would be much appreciated

Rae said...

First of all, thanks for visiting. I think this is a question to pose to your sponsor, as each program, each sponsor has their own idea of how the 4th step should be worked. I personally used the AA Big Book method which required that I look at my resentments, fears and sexual behavior, thus determining the "nature of my wrongs" by seeing my patterns. There is no right or wrong way to do this step ... but it is definitely something you should discuss with your sponsor, in my opinion.