Monday, November 19, 2007

Back from the doctor

I went to the doctor this afternoon to discuss the feelings of severe depression I've been facing lately. It's been so hard for me to focus or even function at times.

It was amazing to me the shame I felt going there, having the nurse say "So, you're here to see the doctor about depression?" I just felt all coiled up inside.

But my doctor is a really good guy, someone who it is easy to work with and talk with. He was very encouraging and thankfully is willing to pursue a little more aggressive regime of meds than previous doctors who were afraid of potential drug interactions with some other meds I take. He also gave me the name of a therapist and asked me to make sure I walk every day. I walked out of there feeling just a little glimmer of hope and a willingness to try again. I haven't felt much like trying lately.

As he asked me the questions required to make a diagnosis, I began to cry. I haven't cried in a long, long time ... not that kind of cry at least. I used to cry a lot ... all the time ... at everything. And tears do still fall down my cheeks now and then, from words that sting or things that make me sad. But crying to feel the pain inside ... it hasn't happened in a long time. I think I felt most relieved that I could still feel something, that I wasn't completely dead inside.


Recovering Wino said...

Hope that you can get some relief through the medication. Hope you are doing OK...

An Anonymous Overeater said...

Keep trying. You are strong, you show that by your continued work at becoming healthier. Good luck.

Kathy said...

I think being able to cry when your body needs you to is a wonderful thing. They bring such a release for what is held inside. As a child, I was abused for years by my mother. After a while, I wouldn't cry any more when she would hit me. It took a long time for the tears to come back again. Kudos to you for your recovery process helping you claim something so important.

bella said...

Depression is daunting and it takes courage to go see a doctor, face stigma, accept all the forms of help and support.
Courage which you obviously possess.
And I know that feeling, of crying when you thought there was only dead numbness inside. It feels good, even as it hurts.