"You don't have to die the miserable wretch your father is or my stepfather is. It can be different. That's why I am working so hard. Before this life passes, I want my soul to be cleared ... not for heaven, but for the next life, where I can live a carefree childhood, filled with light and laughter, date beautiful young men, break a few hearts, fall in love, and have babies and watch them grow and love them with the sweetest most gentle love I know."
I am coming to believe that my soul is eternal and that the things I have experienced in this life were necessary to fill certain needs of the soul. However, I am also feeling a sense of loss of the things I never did experience in this life. I do want to experience those things. That's why I am here.
Just as an update: I had a little scare this morning when my husband told me he was going out of town next week and my mind started it's usual reeling. It has passed and I'm thankful for the reminder that I don't have to let those "run aways" last forever. I can do something different and move on. I wrote to a couple of girlfriends to see if they could get together before my SLAA meeting that night he is away and I'll make a fun night of it.
Also, I should say ... we survived the family visitors and I'm a better woman because of it.
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2 comments:
Rae,
I had an interesting thought a few months ago, when I was beating myself up over the mistakes I made as a mother...
Some things haunt me, you know? But then, I a slow dawning realization began to overcome me.
I kept thinking, "I want to go back, I want to do it again, I want to it right, give him a home, a dad, a mom that wasn't so screwed up..."
And then I thought...what if I already *did* go back...? What if, in some strange alter life, I did worse to my son? What if I had really hurt him, abuse him...or worse...
What if I was, at some point, on my knees, begging to go back and save him, save myself?
And what if that prayer is what I am living now? Do you see what I'm saying? I've made mistakes, but my son is alive, happy, doing well, is an awesome, awesome person. And I know that he loves me dearly...
And then, I believe I am truly blessed.
Just some rambling thoughts...but I do know that we are always exactly where we need to be at any given moment. Why? Because it's happening!
Blessings, Sweet Rae...
Interesting posting. A couple years back when I realized I could never physically have a child, (from finally accepting my actual age), I started thinking of reincarnation as a possibility. Then I realized that this is more of a sign of something that I need in my life, this life, the only one I know for sure that I have. Thanks for making me ponder this notion again.
I, too, get all wrangled up and tangled up inside when I have overnight visitors. You're not alone. Don't beat yourself up over it.
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