Friday, May 23, 2008

Reappearance and disappearance

I got another e-mail yesterday from R. I was grateful to have little to no desire to communicate with him and saw him for the pathetic damaged soul that he is. I know that it was his damage that attracted me to him to begin with and ensnared me in my disease for one long, miserable year. The fact that I have recommitted myself to recovery, have been working my program and continue to grow one day at a time makes it possible for me to look at that pain through new eyes and say ... I'm worth more than that.

I feel unfamiliar with these feelings of strength and truthful awareness. And while I don't fool myself that they could disappear at anytime, (The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.) I am doing my best to connect to them. I am recognizing that one little slip last week has me in a stage of withdrawal where these seemingly "psychic" connections can happen. That doesn't mean I have to succumb to them, and not being in a relationship ridden by fear, anxiety, confusion and absolute loss of myself, like the one I was in with R. reminds me of the value of staying sober. And, R's communication, in which he shared he's drinking and smoking and having affairs all over the place on his new wife, reminds me that nothing about the fantasy I created that relationship to be was true, and causes me to give great thanks to the power that guides my intuition to get the hell out while I could.

I am forever grateful to my Higher Power for keeping me in a safe place, putting people in my life who can support me and opening my heart to be supported by others.

Thanks for being here and being witness to each stage of this truly incredible journey.

3 comments:

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

I hate getting those types of communications. On one level it reminds you how far you've come. Yet for me there is always this guttural, base response. It inspires that "what if thinking."

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I appreciate it a lot.

My name is Ken, and I'm a sex addict. said...

One thing that helps me to stay away from unhealthy emotional connections with other women is healthy intimate connections with other male sex addicts. That has been huge for me: replacing the false intimacy with real intimacy with others in SAA.

Because of those connections, I now have very little desire to make unhealthy connections with women as I did in the past. Those types of connections have become very unattractive.