Thursday, May 01, 2008

I Cried

On Tuesday, I sat through a meeting thinking, "If I say a word, I'm going to burst into tears." After the meeting, I sat in a prayer room, my eyes and heart filled with tears, asking, "God, please help me ..." My sponsor sat with me a short while later as I cried more tears ... the first tears I've cried in a long time.

I cried with relief that I had narrowly escaped yet another relapse. I cried because it is so frustratingly difficult to simply accept the goodness that has come into my life -- the love and affection of my husband, the blessings and support of my recovery family, and my Higher Power. I cried because I am glad to be feeling, but feel ill at ease doing it.

I used to cry all the time, literally like a baby -- it was the only way I knew to release the pain or express feelings of hurt. Somewhere along the way I stopped crying. I simply hurt and started sharing some of my pain through words of truth. I cried Tuesday because it was a natural way to release the feelings that were overwhelming me. I cried to God because I was scared. I cried with my sponsor because she opened her arms to me and made me feel supported.

I think the number one reason I cried on Tuesday is that one by one, I am giving up my reasons and excuses to act out.

I can no longer believe the lie that my husband does not love me and show me that love.
I am beginning to believe that I am worth much more to others than the sexual favors I can give them.
I no longer am convinced that my self worth is determined by what others think of me.
I can no longer legitimately say I feel alone.
I am feeling my feelings and surviving, realizing that I do not have to escape them in order to survive.
Although I am powerless over the disease of sex and love addiction, I am not powerless over my choices. I am empowered by the strength of my Higher Power and the fellowship of the 12-step programs.

8 comments:

Michael, a sublime disaster said...

Wow - that is awesome - powerful post and I am experiencing the same thing - I so related to that.

vicariousrising said...

Great series of posts. I think I needed to read them as I am struggling with some very uncomfortable feelings. Remembering that they are just feelings and I don't have to do anything takes practice and reminders like your posts. I also like what you wrote about using your anger too.

I like that country song's lyrics. Keep dusting yourself off!

bella said...

this moved me.
there is a new level of rawness and power and grace in your writing here.
I can feel the shifts happening in you, the heart opening, the surrender, the truth that is being lived in your cells.
I am not by nature a "crier" But when it comes, it feels so right.
thank-you for being you.

thegentlepath said...

What a powerful post!

The Traveler said...

Y'know, Rae, when we change, we first have to grieve. We have to give up what was, to move on to what is becoming. It's why many people get stuck and stop growing in life, because they avoid grieving, which change requires.

Courage to change. Three incredibly profound words, I realize more each day.

And, you are changing. :)

TT

a little bird said...

beautiful blog you have here... glad i stopped by to check it out. my heart goes out to you! i am in a similar situation, craving and near-relapse - i noticed on your profile you are a compulsive overeater - i am as well....

.... it's so difficult. but you sound like you are getting better and better :)

robin

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Rae, This was stunning.

As the partner of a sex addict, there was a healing quality to being allowed to see inside your mind as you listed your truths. Such bravery in letting go of the handlebars of your addiction.

Thank you so much for writing.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

This made me cry, Rae. I can't tell you how beautiful it is to hear you saying beautiful, loving things about yourself and your life.

I'm sorry I've been absent for the past month. Still (isn't that ridiculous) working to catch up from the broken computer last month.