Monday, January 28, 2008

Where I am today

I feel so good to have made it to a recovery meeting today at lunch. It’s become much easier/less intimidating to being the only woman walking into a group of all men and share. I’ve always known I was in the right place and kept coming back no matter what, but I have been a bit worried at times that my sharing would trigger others in the room or that they would not feel comfortable sharing their stories because I was there. But today I know that I need recovery and that the similarities in our disease, no matter our gender, are much more than the differences and the person I need to be worried about is me. If God creates the opportunity for me to go to a meeting, I want to be there.

One of the things that keeps coming up for me lately is boundaries. It’s something I’ve heard a lot about in recovery, but nothing I’ve given a whole lot of thought to. But when I hear or read a word over and over again, I usually know that my HP has something for me to learn and I try to listen. The reading in today’s meeting included the story of a man who when he got into recovery he blurted everything out every chance he got. I definitely related to that – when I came into recovery, I was just so happy to be among people who understood what I was saying, who could relate to me and with whom I could finally be honest. Wow, that was refreshing. But I’m learning today that I don’t have to blurt out every detail of my past acting out and past history … because I am recovering and there’s a lot of that acting out, that abuse, those resentments that thanks to my Higher Power and the program that is no longer a part of my life. I can focus more on where I am in my recovery and share parts of my past when someone asks for ESH or when it is relative. But I don’t have to keep reliving the past over and over again.

This is not to say that it was wrong for me to blurt it all out in the beginning … I did need to purge what was inside me. It just reinforces the slogan that we are always exactly where we need to be. As I make progress in recovery, my behaviors and attitudes change and for that I am thankful.

I am also thankful that while I had decided that I wanted to get a dog to help keep me company and as a friendly companion, this new member of our family has proven to be quite a catalyst for communication and understanding between my husband and I. We are working together to meet the dog’s needs, to adjust our schedules so that they are more balanced and family focused, and through her I am seeing that my husband is able to give love and affection, and to share with him … “See, that’s what I’ve been talking about all these years. That is what I want for myself.” He seems to get it and that is rewarding.

4 comments:

vicariousrising said...

You really sound different now than you did several months ago, in a good way. I hope it feels as positive to you as it sounds.

Recovering Wino said...

I hope you are doing well. I always look forward to reading your progress.

bella said...

I related to this, the blurting everything out and then over time learning maybe some things were not meant to be shared with everyone or shared all at once.
It's a learning process.
One you continue to engage with honesty and depth.

thejunkyswife said...

Boundaries are hard...as is learning not to spill all my business to everyone I meet. I was actually just writing about spilling my guts to a stranger/potential new friend I met this past weekend. I hope I haven't scared her away with all the BlahBlahBlah about my junky husband...