Today I made it to an afternoon online meeting for SLAA and had the unique occassion to reach out to a woman who was going through a rough time. Our childhoods were similar as were some of the deep rooted beliefs about our damaged selves. I had never talked to this woman from half a world away before. She told me she struggled with the notion that she would never be able to have a love relationship because she was "damaged." She could at least accept that maybe she was wrong and that miracles do happen. I know myself that there are plenty of things I thought would never happen in my life that have and that I really can't predict the future. But I was able to share with her something that is ringing in my ears tonight. I reminded her that ours is a program of living one day at a time, being in the present. I encouraged her (this is a bit of a paraphrase) that instead of spending her day thinking "I'm never going to find a man," to say to herself, "Today is not the day for me to share my life with someone else. Today is my day to work on connecting to the part of me that was lost."
I firmly believe that the one reason that the 12 step programs work is because in helping others we are able to help ourselves. I believe that God gives us the opportunity to help someone else so that we can say the words we needed to hear. I had no real reason to go to that online meeting this afternoon. I wasn't Jonesing for a fix, in fact I probably went because I had some step work to do for a meeting with my sponsor tomorrow and I haven't finished it. Procrastination in any form is better than no procrastination at all. But my point is ... there are no coincidences. I needed to hear those somewhat unspoken words that came with me saying to this woman "Today is not the day ..." What I heard back for me ... focus on today, today is not the day when everything is going to happen, but today is the day when something is going to happen, be here.
One of the best gifts God has given me recently is my new dog. She's a great companion. I've had to learn to pay attention to her, to read her body language, to figure out what her barks and howls mean. And she keeps me in better shape -- I walk with her two to four times a day and when I sit at the computer for too long she comes and starts nudging my elbow and whining and howling a bit to let me know she needs something.
Today is not the day for everything to be right in the world. It's not the day for me to get a new job. It's not the day for me to do get everything done that I need to do. But it is the day for me to cook a nice supper for my husband, for me to not get angry because he's already an hour later than I had hoped, for me to take care of my dog, and for me to help someone else, so that I could help myself.
Today is also a day for me to feel some changes stirring inside me. I'm not going to project what they are, because I can't predict the future. But I will say that where there was no hope just a few weeks back, I am beginning to feel that there is hope that I will get my life back, that I am getting my life back, that I am living my life in its present form ... one day at a time.
To all my blogger buddies out there ... I am still having computer issues and haven't had the chance to read like I would like to lately. Also, the new antidepressant I'm taking has me both focusing better and not focusing as well ... Don't ask me what that means, but it does mean that I'm not getting to the blogs I like to read and the lives and recovery partners I like to keep up with. But I'll be back to visit. I hope you are all well.
5 months ago