Friday, January 11, 2008

The truth

I talk a lot about recovery and searching for wholeness and all that on this blog ... and that is honestly what I am reaching out for. But I need to say something honestly and get it out of me.

I think if I were not married I'd fuck every man I could and have one hell of a time doing it. I would hopefully be less inclined to married men than I have been in the past -- in my addiction I can believe that we are "just helping each other out." But without a husband and as many social "expectations" to live up to, I could see myself moving to a town where I knew no one, where I didn't care what others thought of me and just have one hell of a time. All of this because I constantly feel that I am fighting against my addict -- that part of me that just wants to go out and be wild and free. I feel conflicted in my acting out because I am married, because I could be found out, because I could hurt my husband who I love.

I know intellectually that I would feel just as empty using men and being used in that way as I do now, that the conflicts and the feeling used would be no less ... but every now and then this thought goes through my mind. The magical thinking lets me imagine that "At least there wouldn't be so much inner turmoil."

These thoughts make me worry, Do I stay married just to prevent myself from going hog-ass wild? In some ways, I think that's the reason I got married. I had started to do just what I had described above. I was becoming very promiscuous before I met the man who would become my husband. And then there he was he was so stable, so secure, so safe, so interested, so unaware.

Anyway ... I said it, my piece of truth. In some ways I want to take it back, erase it all and hide it. I fear judgment and anger over what I've said. But I'm only as sick as my secrets. Moving past this secret to a point where I love myself more than this, where I can find joy in some freedom other than this ... that is what I want. I do want the internal turmoil to stop. I hate fighting with myself 24/7. It's depressing, it's frustrating and it's tiresome. It's why I have to surrender one day at a time.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Rae, I have a fantasy of moving to a town where no one knows me and living by myself and never getting involved with anyone again. I know that wouldn't bring me peace, but when I'm in a bad place, that's where I go.

Recovering Wino said...

I think that was the reason I got married, too, but I hope that I can provide a glimmer of hope that through God, albeit gradually and painful sometimes, we can be transformed.

Kellee said...

"But I'm only as sick as my secrets. Moving past this secret to a point where I love myself more than this, where I can find joy in some freedom other than this ... that is what I want."

Nothing but truth & beauty there...

As I once told Living Sobriety, like it or not, this recovery stuff is all about the honesty. And you put it out there, girl.

Thank you.

Madalena said...

WOW. I could have posted a similar post, if my blog were still active. I didn't really get into my active addiction until after I was married, though, so I still hope there's a pure basis of real love there...I too need to learn how to surrender, so I won't act out again by talking to the man I had the most recent and most intense affair with. Thanks so much for posting this.

FightofRlife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FightofRlife said...

Rae -
Don't do it
Read some liter-
ature on that subject.

Thank you for being so candid and transparent. Theat's the cool thing about your blog.

My opinion on the matter: Don't entertain those thoughts.

Yes, it may be true that's what you want to do, and yes there is the inner turmoil saying "Do it" "don't do it". Listen to the latter. But what I learned, just in my own sobriety is that it's a get those sexual thoughts and actions under control.

U know, I have wild thoughts like that. Sometimes, I want to ram drivers with my car when they aren't going fast enough, but is that really the right thing to do? You gotta ask yourself the same.

I've also learned that my acting out starts with a thought or feeling.
Which turns into me verbalizing that thought or feeling.
Which turns into me doing it.
Then that turns into a habit.
My habit turns into a lifestyle
My lifestyle turns into my legacy, is what I leave on this earth after I die.