Friday, January 11, 2008

Speak to me

I wrote this in a note to someone in SLAA recovery this morning. As usual, in speaking to others God spoke to me.

You know, it's very hard for me to admit, but I have never been absolutely faithful to a man in my life. Even before my husband and I married, from the time we met, through the time we were dating, I always had at LEAST an emotional relationship with another man. I even was unfaithful to the men I was being unfaithful with. I would tell them they were the only one ... but there was ALWAYS someone else, even if it was just a "small" zing I got off a friendship with someone, or a recurring fantasy that danced in my head, taking me away from my present relationship and into the arms of someone else. Like the alcoholic who always needs that bottle stuck in the back of the laundry closet, I have lived in fear of not having someone to give me what I cannot give myself -- love and acceptance. I have lived this way because I have an addiction that renders me powerless over my cravings for another person. That addiction has almost robbed me of my life. I am in recovery to restore my life and my power by filling those voids with the love and acceptance of my Higher Power and to begin to recognize myself again as more than just my disease, but as a lovable, acceptable human being. The steps take me through this process.

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