Monday, February 04, 2008

Promises kept

Day after day, the Promises of this program are being revealed to me and I am so grateful. I would say, “About damn time,” but I know it has taken all these days and will take all the days of my life for the miracle of recovery to show its full glory in my life. My impatience with “When am I going to get well!” passed some time ago and I learned to live one day at a time, realizing that I am on a journey, not running a race.

Today’s reminder of my disease was a rough one, but worth every anxious moment. It came when I opened up my e-mail and found a note from E. -- the very first person I acted out with in my marriage. If you want to read more about him -- you can click here or here. There were many more extramarital affairs and anonymous sex partners that followed E., but he holds particularly painful memories of how desperate and dark my life became just before the disease of sexual addiction knocked me into recovery and my journey upward from the bottom of hell began.

My immediate reaction to seeing the e-mail was terror and physical illness. My head was spinning and I was uncertain of what to do this surprise “innocuous” note, when I looked at the clock and saw that it was time for me to leave for a noon meeting. Once I got on the train to go to the meeting, I said the Serenity Prayer and then a prayer thanking God for reminding me of just how excruciatingly painful my addiction can be and for giving me the opportunity to go to a recovery meeting.

At the meeting, we read about the slogans, “One Day at a Time,” “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” and others that were very helpful to me. I came back to the office, deleted the e-mail and all those feelings of anxiety and sickness and worry are now gone.

It’s not one of the recovery slogans, but Dr. King’s words … “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I’m free at last.” come to mind. I will never be “cured” from this disease, but it feels monumental to no longer be a slave to it. I can remember just four years ago that despite his abusive nature and the horrible way I would feel after seeing or even talking to the man who wrote me this morning, I would still get in my car and drive myself kicking and screaming to see him again. Today, thanks to my recovery program and my Higher Power, I had control of my life (Promise #1), felt dignity and respect for myself (Promise #2) and expressed thanks for what has been given to me, what has been taken away and what has been left behind (Promise #12).

4 comments:

Kellee said...

Great work, Rae.

Personally I can never hear too many times that this thing is not a race...it's a journey. Recovery is not a destination...it's a way of life. I don't think I thank God enough for helping me break the chains of bondage to this dis-ease of mine. Thank you for the reminder.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Beautiful, Rae. I love that the meeting was there for you just when you needed it. And that you found peace and freedom.

vicariousrising said...

That sounds a lot like what happened to me yesterday. My jerk ex-best friend who hasn't spoken to me in 2 months sent me a e-birthday card that I think was meant to provoke me into an argument. It showed up in my inbox right when I was about to go to an AA meeting. I needed it then because I was tempted to get back into the fray, which is not what my self esteem needs.

I love your invoking Dr. King's speech.

thejunkyswife said...

Being on a journey, not running a race...that was perfect.