Sunday, February 17, 2008

Adjusting to the feelings

I find myself feeling something that reminds me of the way it felt to begin to walk again after my leg was crushed in a car accident in the early 90s. For weeks, I walked with a "boot" and then one day the doctor put a little brace around my ankle and told me to get up and walk. I was terrified and uncertain that I would be able to take those first steps. I took them, but with great trepidation.

I sometimes visualize the feelings I am having by seeing myself standing sideways on a road, looking back to where I had come from and a bit uncertain of what to do next. Clearly there is a road in front of me, but I am just standing, still shell shocked from the experiences of what has passed.

My sex and love addiction has been terrorizing. It has stolen my feelings, my values, my friends, my sense of self, I could go on and on. Living through it has been like living through a tornado, pieces of my life strewn about and hardly anything recognizeable left behind.

I "let go" last week of someone who has served as a "stash" for my disease as a relationship ended that kept my toe or maybe my whole foot in my addiction. When I did I felt the earth move, my soul shake and I knew for the first time in years I was honestly sober -- not just in word, but completely. It has been difficult to let go completely.

Yesterday I took my husband to work and as I drove away it felt odd not to have a "secret partner" to think about, no one to consider calling just to talk, to simply drive home, present as myself. I had the same feeling as I left this morning to pick up a prescription. Also yesterday, I had a new reader to the blog who wrote me an e-mail, and then responded to my response and so on ... until I told him "I have to be honest and say that there are a number of men who have found my blog and engaged me in conversation for the purpose of acting out. ... I hope that is not your purpose and I apologize in advance for even having to say that if it is, I am not willing to engage. I am working on my recovery." I didn't hear a word from him after that e-mail ... so either I offended him, or I caught him red-handed. To be completely honest, there was a part of me that simply wanted to continue the e-mails, to draw him in, to get a hit, to start something new with someone new. I was flattered that he had spent almost four hours reading my blog, and was intrigued by the fact that he was within driving distance away. But the bigger part of me knew I had to take care of myself. I feel better that I did. Each "pass" builds strength and helps me reach my goals.

As an aside, it's interesting when I look at my stats to see how people find my blog. Though few people stay long enough to read, they find me by doing Google searches like "Husband, orgasm", "my beautiful body", "confession sex with stepfather", "confession secret sex with dog", "I have sexual feelings for my father" and "divine rae." Divine huh? Divine intervention maybe.


woman.anonymous7 said...

In our couples therapy this weekend Husband talked about a kind of chatter free mind that he had gotten a taste of recently. He had been very sick, and had barely enough energy to take care of himself and no energy to give to addictive thoughts. He described how life felt simpler, and talked about a quiet peace that had descended over his thoughts. He's starting to struggle with the chatter again a bit, and he talked about that.

Our therapist said that what he is experiencing is a mark of recovery; that addicts don't put together that peace with recovery, and don't equate the loss of that peace with acting out. So what he's going through is a sign of good progress. And it sounds like you're experiencing something similar.

So congratulations. Congratulations for what you've achieved. Especially as I know the ground you've taken is not taken without courage and work.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

That's huge, Rae. To see where you are and perceive where this blog reader likely was and just state your truth.

My name is Ken, and I'm a sex addict. said...

That feeling is amazing. It felt very uncomfortable to me when I first experienced it; when I told my wife everything. I ended a relationship with a coworker and told all. It was very strange indeed to lose the fantasies and planning of my next acting out.

But it was uncomfortable, so I kept acting out in other ways. I've been sober for 4 months now; and I think I'm just now becoming comfortable with this self-present feeling. It feels healthy.

I'm still working through your older posts that I haven't read, thanks for your posts. I appreciate them.