Wednesday, December 19, 2007

What I'm supposed to say

What I'm supposed to say today is Happy Birthday to my marriage and happy birthday to my mom, who has been gone for far longer than I've been married.

But what I feel today is the ultimate escape would be to go completely insane, to curl up in a ball, and just be there, closing out the world and absolving myself of all responsibility to it. I have no idea why I feel this way, except that while I walk around as a "functioning" ... even a "high functioning" addict at times... the inside feels at its best crazy and at its worst like it is dead.

I have been trying to force myself for the past three hours to go out the door to buy the finishing touches for the gift I have have chosen for my husband, when in reality what I really, really wish I could give him is the opportunity to come home to a smiling, energetic and joyful wife who loves him more than she wants to escape.

2 comments:

vicariousrising said...

I felt like this the last couple years in my marriage and felt horribly guilty about it. I just didn't try to push myself into false feelings of attachment that I wasn't experiencing and tried to enjoy what feelings of affection I did have. I didn't end up feeling overly resentful for having to put on a show.

It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. I got through. I think I am starting to see the other side now. I hope.

I'll tell you what my therapist tells me and I now am trying to practice: be kind to yourself. I think in the end, it actually works out for everyone.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I'll say Happy Birthday to your marriage. :)

One thing I've learned in recovery is that intentions do matter. You are not giving your husband the gift of a perfect smiling recovered wife, but you're giving him the gift of a wife who is working hard to be the better woman she wants to be. Don't underestimate the beauty and value of that gift. I think it's the most precious thing you could give him.