Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Isolating

I'm not much in the mood to write or talk or interact with people. It's part of who I am lately -- an isolator. God sends me people to connect with, to talk with, but I have a hard time wanting to connect back. The psychologists would say that this is a product of my shame, and I suppose it is, though I don't connect with that thought right now. I just want to be quiet and uninterrupted.

Despite this, I took a call today from a woman in recovery and had a decent conversation with her, and also called my sponsor back to say I would take her place in leading an Al-Anon meeting on Friday. I still have other calls to return and make, but they are calls to OA friends about meetings and retreats and, you know, I'd rather just make my rum balls and feel connected to Christmas in some small way. It's hard to keep all these recovery balls in the air at once, especially when I really want to reject the most critical tool of all -- phone calls and reaching out to others.

Oh hell, I'm writing all this for someone else. I'm in a bad mood, feel like isolating and that's the bottom line of it all. It won't last forever, it's just for right now.

3 comments:

Recovering Wino said...

Yeah, it sucks to feel like that.

But I'm glad you wrote it...

12stepscloser.com said...

I think the desire to isolate is pretty common. I cycle through those times too. Just don't get stuck there! We'll miss ya to much.:)

I try (keyword there...TRY) to use the cave time to reorder my priorities. Sometimes that jump starts me back into "social" land again.

Kellee said...

Isolation seems to be the most cunning & baffling part of my dis-ease. It just feels so incredibly good sometimes.

I find that when I can fully admit that's what I'm doing to at least one program person that it doesn't seem to feel so enormous. It also doesn't seem to last as long after I admit it. Don't get me wrong, I still allow myself to do it, but in admitting that I'm doing it takes some of its power away. I'm hoping that's what happened for you with this post (God I'm such a good little co-de, aren't I?).

Thinking of you, Rae...

~Kellee
http://crossingmybridge.blogspot.com/