I've been thinking for some time of writing a letter to God. It would start something like, "Dear Lord, my life is an absolute mess. I have no idea who I am or how I got here, all I know is it sure doesn't feel like the me I want to be or even the me I know. I don't feel like I can go on like this ..." It's when I get to this point that I start that old familiar mantra, "I know, I know, I HAVE to turn my will and my life over to God. I have to give in to God's will for my life and be sober enough to listen for it." And the old Southern gospel hymn of my childhood begins playing in my head, "I surrender all ... I surrender all, all to you my precious Savior, I surrender all."
But then that little voice .. the scared one, the one that thinks it can fix anything ... the one that just will not give up, kicks in and says "Yes, but ... " and "What about?"
The "what about" today is a man I've had an ongoing relationship with since summer. He was the one holdout in that series of five letters I wrote a few weeks ago saying, "I'm done for good, I'm focused on my marriage." He is the one I left the door open to and the one who walked back through it last week. As Gomer Pyle says, "Sooprize, Sooprize, Sooprize."
If anyone wants to believe that addiction, sex and love addiction is not a disease of the mind, tell me this: what good is a limp-dicked (literally) man, who can only describe love as "the L word" and has far more attraction to transgendered men than to women themselves to a female sex & love addict 16 years his junior? Yet, somehow, for this person and my obessive thoughts about how I can make him love me enough, I can't give up my stubborn will. Insane much??
So, I prayed this morning for the willingness to be willing to turn my life over, shed a few tears and prepared for a job interview I have later today.
Still here …
5 years ago
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5 comments:
Looking at the labels beneath this post.
And this jumps out at me: one day a time.
It is all we can do. And it is always enough.
Baby steps...you are moving in the right direction, Rae. And I can answer your question about why..it's all about the power you talked about two weeks ago.
I often look at the mirror and think "Insane much?" over some issue I am pushing through...
Don't give up on it though. I can honestly say that the toughest struggles for me during my time in recovery have ended up reaping the biggest rewards.
In the meantime, offer yourself some His grace for today.
peace~
Hey Rae, it's so hard for me to admit powerlessness too and I am also so STUBBORN!I know my way doesn't work...it's just so hard to admit that this is something I can NOT do alone.
Rae, be at peace and forgive yourself. You ARE moving in the right direction towards health and healing. It is JUST a long journey. Take heart.
Here is a prayer that I think you might find meaningful at this time:
"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
(Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude")
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