I sometimes get so discouraged with myself when I struggle with my addiction. I think I should be smarter, better, more dedicated. I forget that I am powerless and I gain a big ego ... thinking, "I can beat it this time!" It takes me and my HP and working the program to stay sober. The key is I'm sober today. In the beginning and even sometimes in the midst of recovery, it can be very hard just to make it through one single day.
In my experience, that is because all the focus of my thoughts remains on the other person or persons, or rather my "need" or desire for them. In other words, all the thought is on my disease, not on myself and my recovery. As I work my way through recovery I have begun to focus my thoughts on myself and to feel the emotions and feelings I've been masking by acting out.
It is not easy, but self-awareness and the ability to actually feel and be present in my life has been one of the greatest gifts of my program. Though I've had a hard time working through the self-hatred, I know am not a bad person for acting out. I was very, very sick. And as my addictions grew over the years (as I fed them by acting out), they become more of a way of life than my real life, until I reached the point where I no longer recognized this person who was doing things she could never imagine herself doing "in real life." I was living parallel lives, but more and more the sane, successful, vibrant part of me seemed to fade away.
When I walked into an SLAA recovery room and heard the SLAA promises, which say, among other things, "We will relate to others from a state of wholeness," I knew I was in the right place. My life has become so fragmented and empty and I have bene living so many lives even I didn't know which one is the real me at times. I still don't sometimes ... but that's why I keep coming back.
1 year ago