Regrets

The man who I ended a one year affair with at the end of March called me this afternoon to say he is getting married in two weeks.

I regret that I gave so much of my life away to him, risked so much for him. I put myself in debt because I regretted that I ended our relationship. I put my marriage, my job, at times my life (driving faster than 90 mph to get to him as quickly as I could) on the line for someone who really only wanted someone to say yes. I did this all for someone who would get drunk and berate me to the point I felt like dieing and tell me what a horrible person I was because I wouldn't leave my husband to marry him.

As an added bonus, this afternoon, he described how much money he was going to have to pay to break the lease I established for him, how much he had to pay for taxes and tags on the car I bought him (for which he was supposed to repay me but hasn't paid a dime), and that the rings that he "had' to buy "really set them back." Then to add salt to the wound, he told me for their honeymoon, he's taking his new bride to the place where we had talked of getting married, the place we conceived a child that was never born.

I don't know how to feel. I feel anger mainly ... I want to scream I hate you ... but I hate myself the most. I'd love to blame my disease ... but my disease lives in me.

All this is perfect timing for the fact that I got the call for a job interview today. I hope I can channel my anger and all my emotions into getting the job and doing it well -- forever reminding me that this disease will take everything from me -- from top to bottom -- and will leave me with nothing but a bunch of tears and angry regrets for which I have no one to blame but me.