Friday, July 17, 2009

Just beneath the surface

Do you ever have those days when you know you're feeling angry just because of the thoughts that come to mind?

Today, actually for a couple of days, I've thought the words "I hate your f*cking guts!" Now, I don't typically hate people, but just those words seem to be filled with rage about something and someone.

Then tonight I was going through Facebook, looking at old classmates and ran across someone who used to be my neighbor. I immediately thought "I bet you'd love knowing I f*cked your father." I saw another classmates' photo and thought he'd be devastated to know that one of his other classmates, who I met during my acting out spree when I moved back to my home state in 2005, had ratted him out about being a swinger.

Maybe it's me I'm angry with. Maybe I'm mad that everywhere I look, I'm reminded of my addiction. I'm cleaning house for guests who are coming next week and I have to make sure all my recovery literature is hidden away. Maybe I'm mad at my husband because he's looking at changing jobs again. Maybe I'm mad at him because his work is causing a lot of tension. I'm not sure.

I certainly am not walking around actually feeling overtly angry. There's no one at home today other than the dog and I seem to be treating her OK. But somewhere beneath the surface, I clearly am angry about something. Guess I better work some of that anger off by doing the next right thing ... feeding and walking the dog and finishing with the housework.


vicariousrising said...

I've found that when I feel angry, even if it is somewhat buried, it is worth my while to sit quietly and try to dig up what the feeling might be coming from. If I can identify the source, it usually brings some relief by putting it into the light. Whenever I tried to distract myself from it or tell myself I shouldn't feel it, I almost always ended up making the anger exponentially worse and it would leak out in negative ways.

Of course, taking walks and remembering to breathe are always good things for dispelling negative energy too.

Michael said...

Gee, I can so relate - thanks for the post. I completely understand about being reminded of past sins. Hiding my recovery stuff - lest somebody knows the truth. I hate that part of my addiction.


Indigo said...

I've been there. Angry at the world. For me when I get like that I find it best not to say anything to anyone, until I've calmed down enough to think it through. I'm reknown for cleaning my house spotless in those moments of spite. The house can't get hurt, another human being can.

No matter how angry we get, the world isn't based on a mock up of dividing fairness equally between us. We can't drink or do alot of things others can. Inside however, we get a measure of compassion and love side by side with that hatred.


Anonymous said...

I can really relate to this post. I wish I could discover a way to just delete the anger. I go along just fine and then all of a sudden something pierces that thick skin I have that covers this deep well of molten anger. I hate it when that happens