Monday, July 06, 2009

July is a hot month

I had the idea that I would post something here every day in July. Well, like most of my ideas, this one clearly has not come to fruition. I admire those people who write on their blogs daily and really keep things up to date. It just doesn't happen for me.

I do have a desire to write every day however. The tag line for this blog is "My own brand of therapy." Writing is cathartic for me. I think in the beginning, when I started this blog, I felt I was writing to a bunch of people who didn't know anything about me. Somehow that felt easier to do than to share things about myself with people who know my story and some parts of it that no one else knows. I guess in a way it all goes back to that fundamental fear of intimacy.

I can remember crying about two years into recovery, asking God, myself, and anyone who would listen, "What is so wrong with me that I don't want to know myself?" Now I guess I'm asking myself, "What is so wrong with me, that I'm so afraid of letting others "into me see?"

People seem to like me, and even if they don't, I've become much less concerned with what others think and more focused on getting to know myself better and be at peace with who I am. So, what's the big deal?

I guess I still have some work to do in setting boundaries and accepting honesty as the solution for breaking down the barriers that keep me tied into my character defects.

I suppose one reason I'm having trouble writing here is because the focus of my convictions toward recovery seem to be shifting from my sex addiction -- no, I'm not cured -- to my compulsive overeating. I've shared before here that while it seems almost easy to talk about my sexual past, talking about my weight and my food seems nearly impossible.

Just as opening up about my sexual addiction helped me to overcome it, I know that opening up about my food addiction will also help me to cut the ties that bind. I continue to pray for the willingness to work a program of recovery around my food, but I find the minute I get close to making a committment I really, really pig out.

In "How it Works" in the 12-step programs, we read, "Remember, we deal with (compulsive overeating), cunning, baffling and powerful." I can surely say that my food addiction is all three -- cunning, baffling and incredibly powerful. I can also say that I am truly powerless over it.

I welcome comments and prayers in this hot month of July when eating ice cream, birthday cake, and watermelon by the patch full is my favorite thing to do.


Eli said...

I hear you on so many things here, Rae! Trying to write daily...yep, I keep gravitating towards the bimonthly epic post (as opposed to the simple and honest daily post.)

I also feel that little increase of discomfort as my readers get to know me. It was easier at first to spill the worst parts of me onto the page, now I fight the urge to present things in a more palatable way, like I do in my face-to-face life.

I wish you all the best in your work on the food part of your addiction. You're right in seeing that if it has that cunning-baffling-powerful quality, it's right there with the rest of 'em. I know that for me, there's a reason I've saved my compulsive eating habits til last - they're a real bear to face.

Anonymous said...

I thought too that I would post every day, I started finding in many cases I was repeating myself or as I felt better and became different, I didn't have much to say. Now, I tend to only write when I feel something strong or make a new discovery.
Eating, drinking, sex or anything we can do to an excess or to feel that buzz of excitement and control in an instant how we feel all ties together. In my life I have found it all creeps out like vines out of my codependent root system. An overwhelming desire to be known, loved and understood for just being myself competes with an overwhelming piss poor view of myself. Maybe I should say formerly overwhelming, things are getting better. But late at night, alone, it doesn't take much to feel a need to control how I feel. Food is so easy. Its so available. Its such a handy reward. Its also so tough to stop. We have to eat or we die. We won't die from no sex or booze. Even if we feel like we will.
As one who has gotten to know you a little bit, for what its worth, I am glad I have. Hang in there, there will be a day when you will value that certain people know you I think.

MargauxMeade said...

I can relate to the reluctance to write sometimes, Rae. For me, I find that I'm not always so afraid of sharing the worst stuff, but I find that I often keep it under wraps until I've worked through it. I like to say, "I WAS struggling with this, but, look, now it's all fixed." Definitely a defense mechanism I need to work on.

It also makes sense that the sex addiction and food addiction are tied to each other. I'm not dealing with the exact same issues, but as a co-sex addict, I definitely have issues with being in touch with my body/sexuality and accepting my body completely. Something that's been really helping me to work through it is yoga. The studio I go to promotes a very accepting, compassionate environment--people of all ages, shapes and sizes. Also, it's helping me to actually feel my body and be aware of it in the moment. Oh, and the "you can't do it wrong" attitude yoga promotes is helping me with my perfectionism.

Michael said...

I know that confess is a powerful tool. I too, have struggled with letting real people in. I felt my blog was violated after sharing it to real people in real life. Keep up the good work.

Michael said...

P.S. So glad you're still blogging. Much appreciated

Indigo said...

I've found not forcing myself to write just to post something every day, keep me more real somehow. It takes courage to admit your powerless over anything.

I think you're on the right path, understanding it's a addiction. Perhaps use the same tools, you would for any other addiction. You admitted you were powerless already. What steps should you take next.

In the meantime dear friend, you're in my prayers on the smoke. One day at a time, one step at a time. (Hugs)Indigo

BPD Guy said...

rae when in doubt WRITE :)

think of the number of people you've helped by vomitting the contents of your head onto this blog. your blog has given me strength and hope as i struggle with my sex addiction..

i blog as well, but keep my blog private i'm not sure if i'm brave enough to "put it all out there"
i admire your courage.