Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Peace and Prosperity

I am so grateful this morning to be fully aware of my presence in this body and my prosperity on this earth. I am thankful to have just returned from a walk with my loving dog, through my safe and diverse neighborhood, where I was able to connect through nature to a world much larger than myself. It's a world that whether hot or cold, wet or dry, flat or hilly has something magical to offer, a reminder of the perfection of an otherwise chaotic universe and its constant availability for my peaceful connection.

I am grateful to several years ago have had a Native American sponsor who taught me the beauty and connection of praying outdoors. I am grateful that I can say words like "prayer" and "God" and know that they are limitless expressions of my heart, unbound to the definitions others hold of them. I am grateful today to be working with a sponsor who is helping me to grow in areas much larger than the mere cessation of acting out, rather in the complex, but beautiful ways I connect with my fellow human beings, myself and my Higher Power.

I am grateful to have sat around a table in a small church last night, with six other sex and love addicts, from all walks of life, and shared our challenges and triumphs, and to read from our literature. I am grateful to have watched that fellowship grow from one to two, to three, and now a regular crowd of 5-7. And I'm grateful for a fellow addict there who I can love, support and pray for heartfelt peace, even though he incested his own stepdaughter, just as I was molested by stepfather. He is a gift, as are the beautiful women I sponsor in this fellowship. They inspire me and teach me and fill me with love, and I am humbled beyond words to have the opportunity to be one small part of their immense lives. And I am grateful for each and every person who has read this blog -- you've been with me in sickness and health.

I am equally grateful that I awoke in the night and couldn't go back to sleep because I was too warm -- not too cold like so many people who don't have the money to pay their heat bills, or who in the lower regions of the U.S. were without power last night because of an ice storm. And I was grateful to have the energy to get up and get a few things done before I had the privilege -- unlike most of the rest of the world who had to go to work -- to lay down and complete my rest. It goes without saying that I am thankful for a husband and a marriage that I disrespected, ignored and almost gave away in favor of living in my addiction, but which thrives today in friendship, acceptance and love.

I don't share any of this to brag. I share it because I feel it in my heart and I'm so very grateful to feel thankful, to feel present, to not be mired by a numbing and isolating depression just for this moment. And I share it because if an overweight, out of work, depression patient, raised up on a small town farm, where she was regularly molested and abused, who grew up thinking her only worth was sex and sought that worth with more men than she can count, who almost left her husband for an abusive alcoholic who she thought she loved can make it here ... can make it to this place of feeling fully aware of her presence and her prosperity ... you can too.

What will you do today to seek it?


Hope said...

This is a beautiful post. Thank you.

vicariousrising said...

You sound really good here. I like it. :)

Anonymous said...

Rae - great post.

Lovin' the gratitude.

Thanks for visiting my little corner of this world as well!

Indigo said...

Wonderful post dear one. Talking to creator in our natural environment outside has always had it's hidden blessings. Whenever I say prayers on the smoke, it's outside the wind takes those prayers,d on the wings of sage to touch upon wherever creator resides. (Hugs) Indigo

MargauxMeade said...

Rae, this post brought tears to my eyes--thank you for sharing this.

I have a question for you (I asked Ken this as well): What stopped you from ending your marriage in favor of your addiction? Like, was there an "aha!" moment? Also, did you file for divorce or separation before you got to that point? The reason I ask is because I separated (not legally) from my sex addicted husband a few months ago when he wouldn't go back to recovery and, instead of going back, he's been spiraling downward ever since--acting really crazy in every possible way--and now he's talking legal separation and eventual divorce, even though I know in my heart that he loves me. If you have a second to answer my questions, I'd be so grateful. Oh, and if you don't want to answer publicly, you can email me at margauxmeade@gmail.com.

woman.anonymous7 said...

This is so beautiful.

Before recovery I lacked a spiritual aspect to my life because I didn't know how to have spirituality be an unlimited expression of my own heart, unfettered by other people's experiences and definitions. I'm so grateful to have made that discovery on this journey, and you've captured it so eloquently.

Thanks for sharing your gratitude, and thereby reminding me of my own.

Willow said...

beautiful and encouraging.