Friday, February 06, 2009

The opportunity was there

The opportunity was there this afternoon to spend some time online, reading ads written to entice an afternoon lover, or maybe responding to someone 'looking to chat.' I even opened the site and found myself looking for jobs -- of the employment variety. I admit I browsed a bit in the casual encounters section, but felt a sickness in my stomach almost immediately. It wasn't shame or even judgment. It just didn't feel good. It's amazing really. A miracle.

"Don't give up before the miracle happens," is the program slogan. I didn't give up. And today there is no desire to seek that "high" I could have had. I am humbly grateful and admittedly a little lost. As I've slowly let go, surrendered this vice, in pursuit of a life that is real, I've found that there are a few disconnects. Addicts live off that rush that is bigger than life, or wallow in that misery that is lower than the belly of a snake. Life in the middle is hard to accept -- which is the reason I even found some temptation in the "opportunity" to play in the old playground today.

I want to see a movie ... I'm enjoying listening to music ... I'm doing some work. I'm living my life on life's terms. Thanks be to God.


vicariousrising said...

I think there is some misconception that life in the middle is boring. For me, it is a shift in perspective to find the delight and wonder in the simple things. It feels like a form of grace to me, and not something to be taken for granted or dull in the least.

Indigo said...

Finding the middle ground is an exercise in serenity itself. I honestly seek it out as often as I can. It's that safe place, the place were you can easily accept what comes your way.

I've had enough low points and drama in my life to last a lifetime. From my experience the middle ground is definitely the place to be desired. (Hugs)Indigo

Anonymous said...

I think the opportunity is almost always there. Most days I don't have the desire to pursue it, but other days I find myself so tempted to search for needles in the old playground to shoot up with.

It's that ability to choose to hang on, to not give up that I really appreciate today. I am so grateful that I can choose to let go, surrender, and realize that I too am having some disconnects.

Thank you so much for sharing, Rae.

Scribbling-Mum said...

Thanks for sharing so honestly.

Do you have issues/a pattern with "scanning" a room/restaurant for men when you are out in public? Like an automatic thing? Looking in cars, etc.? Does it bother your husband? Have you worked on this issue?

Maybe Ken can answer this also (about women). Thanks!