The opportunity was there this afternoon to spend some time online, reading ads written to entice an afternoon lover, or maybe responding to someone 'looking to chat.' I even opened the site and found myself looking for jobs -- of the employment variety. I admit I browsed a bit in the casual encounters section, but felt a sickness in my stomach almost immediately. It wasn't shame or even judgment. It just didn't feel good. It's amazing really. A miracle.
"Don't give up before the miracle happens," is the program slogan. I didn't give up. And today there is no desire to seek that "high" I could have had. I am humbly grateful and admittedly a little lost. As I've slowly let go, surrendered this vice, in pursuit of a life that is real, I've found that there are a few disconnects. Addicts live off that rush that is bigger than life, or wallow in that misery that is lower than the belly of a snake. Life in the middle is hard to accept -- which is the reason I even found some temptation in the "opportunity" to play in the old playground today.
I want to see a movie ... I'm enjoying listening to music ... I'm doing some work. I'm living my life on life's terms. Thanks be to God.
4 months ago