Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sharing some space in the blogosphere

I recently discovered Eli blogging over at Eli's Addict and really admire the level of honesty he uses in writing not only about his addictive self, but also about the complexities of being the spouse of a sexual abuse survivor. I encourage readers here to sneak a peek.

I also want to send out some blog love to Mary over at A Room of Mama's Own who is struggling to keep her head above water as she works her recovery program, keeps her readers informed about everything from autism to addiction, and actively participates in the blogging community at The Second Road, where life intersects with recovery. The story of Mary's relationship with her husband Mark, who among other things is a sex addict, has been a great inspiration to me and I'm so thankful to share a little space here on my blog to recognize her as a true hero.

I also want to thank Willow at Making My Peace, Margaux at Love in the Time of Addiction, and the speed demon herself at Vicarious Rising for all the wonderful support they have shown me over some very lonely months. Each of these women is one their own journey and again, I'm grateful to share some space here in the blogosphere with them.

I identify with my fellow codependent sex addict and bluegrass fan Being Made New, who is struggling with that question that comes to all of us who leave our addictions behind and then are faced with the question, "Is this all there is?"

Scribbling Mum asked me in a comment recently: Do you have issues/a pattern with "scanning" a room/restaurant for men when you are out in public? Like an automatic thing? Looking in cars, etc.? Does it bother your husband? Have you worked on this issue?

The answer Mum is I don't think that women struggle as much as men with this issue -- though I can really only speak for myself and say that overall scanning the room is not something I have a lot of trouble with. However, I do find myself looking at men and "reading" the likelihood of whether they are a fellow sex addict. I can usually spot my fellow addicts pretty quickly and now and then get triggered. What I do have trouble with is "eye sex" while sitting in the car at a stop light. I'll stop and look into the car beside me and just continue to stare at the male driver until I get his attention then give him a smile that has just a hint of "You are certainly sexy." Because I get such a "kick" out of it, I've had to go so far as putting it on my bottom line behaviors. I never do it with my husband in the car ... as for this addict at least, everything that is addictive is done in hiding.

Gentle Path has a great commentary on how to create a sex addict in her "About Me" section. I encourage you to take a look.

And, last but not least, I really liked Ken's approach to Step Six, which his has posted on his blog My Sex Drug. Ken is doing some great service and recovery work and I'm particularly thankful for his creation of the online recovery community Sex Addict Support.


MargauxMeade said...

I'm glad to share the blogosphere with you, too, Rae! Thanks for the shout-out.

Also, I thought I'd answer Scribbling-Mum's question, since I got the impression that she's wondering if this is something a lot of sex-addicts do. My husband does the "scanning" thing all the time--in fact, it was what first gave me the feeling that something was just not right.

At one of the meetings I used to go to, I mentioned this and a man who was both a sex addict/sexual codependent (which is why he was at S-Anon) came up to me afterwards and told me this is typical acting out behavior. He had a particular name for it, but I can't remember what it is right now.

My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...

I appreciate all the shout-outs! I love finding new blogs through the mentions of other bloggers

Anonymous said...

Hey Rae, thanks for the kind words! We like many of the same blogs, which is kind of neat.

But more importantly, your journey and your willingness to share it has been a real help to me. I have been re-reading your post of May 14, 2008 "Do I have the willingness to be happy." It's helped me get through a few days of angry temptation --- always with the realization that this too shall pass --- clearly you're in a different place now than you were in May, which is another type of help beyond the actual words of the post.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Love your list of bloggers, Rae. Thanks so much for including me. As always, I feel so grateful to have you in my life and thank you for sharing your journey.

Eli said...

Rae- Thanks so much for the kind words. I found MPJ through this post and I've really appreciated her writing. I've been surprised how much I get out of reading recovery posts from people who are from the "other side" - people living with addicts like me, mothers of addicts, sexual abuse survivors like my wife. We're all really so much alike inside.