Sunday, January 25, 2009

10 Honest Statements

How many ways can one woman write about honesty you ask? Let me count the ways.

My fellow blogger, Ken, over at My Sex Addiction, was recently tagged to write 10 honest things about himself. He chose not to tag anyone, but I chose to tag myself for this one ... because, after all, honesty is my favorite and most allusive pursuit. (Plus, I'm feeling a bit guilty for being so lax in posting here lately.)

So, here I go - 10 Completely Honest Things About Me

1. I'm currently procrastinating my work on Step 6 in SLAA for no reason that I can pinpoint other than I am a procrastinator.
2. Rae is not my real name and never was my nickname until I used it when I first started acting out online. Since then, I have also used it in recovery, and more recently when asked for my name for a waiting list at a restaurant.
3. I love country music, and my codependence sometimes lets me feel ashamed of that.
4. I sometimes worry that I'll never be better than I am now and I'm not happy with where I am now, even though it's light years ahead of where I was. It reminds me of the prayer, "I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I wish to be, But, by the grace of God, I am not what I used to be." In a recent prayer I said to God, "I don't like who I am right now." The response in my heart was, "Then accept yourself."
5. I miss the feeling of family and deeply desire to have people around me, yet I doubt I could stand it for half a day.
6. My house is filled with books I've never read, and quite a few I have no desire to read.
7. I still struggle with little white lies, that seem to help me manipulate others' opinions of me, or how much "flack" I hear from my husband.
8. I don't like to exercise, but I like the way it makes me feel.
9. I recently began to see how closely my compulsive overeating patterns are to my sexual acting out. I get the most pleasure from it when no one in my "real life" knows. I feel great shame afterward. I make pledge after pledge to stop and the next day I'm walking into the convenience store buying two king sized candy bars. And in most instances both forms of my disease are about "stuffing" my feelings, most usually feelings that I am never even consciously aware of.
10. I am afraid to reveal something that would disclose in some small way my real identity.


Anonymous said...

4 and 5 sure do sound familiar to me. Thanks for sharing this.

vicariousrising said...

You really are taking that transparency goal to heart. I hope it is getting a little easier day by day.

As for the books you have no interest in reading, maybe you should sell them on Amazon and get them out of the house. It will give you a little money, clear up some space and you won't feel so guilty having them around unread. I did that awhile back and it made me feel refreshed.

My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...

I am deathly afraid of revealing my true identity on my blog...

I should have included the fact that I do use my real name. It was a difficult decision, but I figured I'd treat it like a meeting. Every now and then I google my first name and other details that can be found on my blog just to make sure I'm still safely anonymous.