Yesterday I met with my therapist who is quite wise in the ways of sex addicts and their problems with honesty and transparency, and shared with her my goal for the new year to become less of a leader and more of a participant.
I told her that I have subconsciously sought out leadership roles in order to support the facade of "having it all together." I fear judgment, because I fear rejection even more, and to compensate for that I like to pretend that "everything's fine and dandy!" I do not like to talk about myself, even to myself. I'd much rather be in a position of examining other people's lives and giving advice.
But this is not what recovery is about. Recovery, as I have so aptly told others, is about self discovery, self-acceptance and cultivating a fulfilling relationship with a power greater than myself.
My therapist told me that real leadership would mean working toward becoming a "model of transparency." My mouth dropped open. I thought, this woman clearly does not know who she is talking to. Transparency? As in a life lived in a glass house, free for the world to see? Are you kidding me? But I've done such a good job of setting a fine example without all that full disclosure.
This means that I have to admit my weaknesses, share when I have slip ups, let the world see my vulnerabilities! This means I have to be who I say I am and do what I say I do. Are you sure this is the only way, boss? I've made the shell of a life out of showing people the person I think they want to see and controlling their emotions by avoiding conflict and averting the truth. What if they find out the person I really am is not as good?
This is scary stuff, folks. Really scary stuff. So if you start scratching your heads and wondering where that other Rae went ... just remember that she's trying to expand her comfort zone and learn a little about this transparency stuff. On the other hand, feel free to ask me a bunch of questions in order to support my attempts to be transparent.
4 months ago