Thursday, January 15, 2009

Sunlight on the snow

It's a sunny day, but the temperatures are frigid. The sunlight looks beautiful on the untouched snow and the sky is the color of periwinkle. It's something out of picture postcard.

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. I'm just here. I'm not sure if I'll ever understand myself completely. My efforts to be transparent aren't going so well, but I'm thankful that at least I'm not hiding acting out behaviors. Instead I'm saying I did things I didn't do, making up stories about going to the gym when I didn't, eating pieces of chocolate that I swore to myself I wouldn't eat and letting my husband believe that I'm making healthy choices.

My therapist is helping me to understand that my dishonest and judgemental ways are all a part of trying to control everything around me. For as long as I can remember I have taken people to task for being less than perfect. I've always had someone to rail against. I've usually attributed that to my low self-esteem. The therapist is opening my eyes to the kind of person I really am behaving like underneath -- a manipulative, controlling dishonest person. Don't get me wrong -- she's not saying those things about me, nor am I saying I'm a horrible person. Rather she is revealing to me ways that my negative feelings are coming out sideways.

A woman in program said to me recently, "I don't want to be the person I am." Isn't that why all addicts use? They are trying to avoid being the person they are, the person they can't stand.

One question that came up in the course of my reading over the past few days was "If you saw someone behaving the way you are behaving what would you say to them?"

Well, if I saw someone writing what I'm writing right now -- I'd probably tell them that beating yourself up is not going to help. The whole point of this lesson you are being presented with is that you must first accept yourself as you are. Rejecting who you are is your first and foremost problem. Stop running away from who you are and work, practice each day to become the person you want to be.

That is my message to myself today, this sunny day in frigid cold.


Hope said...

Hugs to you this cold wintery day.
I wanted you to know that your post about being a leader is being a model of transparency has rung in my head ever since. Like, daily.

vicariousrising said...

Do you have any idea of how brilliant that it is that you are now aware that your taking people to task for not being perfect and your judgmental ways were a fundamental maladaptive coping mechanism to take the magnifying glass off yourself? Think if all the bozos out there who NEVER recognize this about themselves. There are so many perfectionists out there quick to say they are the only ones who know how to do a job right - the reality is they are horribly insecure.

You're amazing. You truly are. Will you please help my mother find her way? Um, nevermind. That would just be cruel to you, your head and the wall you'd inevitably bang your head against.

Anonymous said...

Hi Rae,
I like what vicarious said and agree. It might sound like a beating, but sometimes its also just seeing yourself and seeing what will be changed; and it will be. You can bet on it. And praise God because you are one of the few who see things and have the courage and honesty to do something about it. Most people don't. Most are happy to point the finger elsewhere so they themselves look ok, but they aren't, they are just scared. I think its exciting when we see what we want to be. I feel sorry for those who won't see it.

vicariousrising said...

Hi Rae. Just wanted to let you know I have given you a Lemonade Award because of your wonderful attitude. You inspire me. I hope you are doing well.

twodogsblogging said...

Staying clean, one day at a time, ensures that we become the people we were meant to be. Oh, and working the steps and working with others.

Indigo said...

I came by way of Judith's (Vicarious Rising). I tend to be my own worst critic. In would rather fade into the woodwork than stand out (or used to be that way). Then I realized those traits, flaws I detested so strongly about myself, where the very things that helped make me into who I am today. Once I learned to embrace it all as part of me, my make-up, the unique personality I am...I wear those flaws proudly.

There are no such things as perfect human beings. So why should we own our mistakes...(Hugs)Indigo