It's a sunny day, but the temperatures are frigid. The sunlight looks beautiful on the untouched snow and the sky is the color of periwinkle. It's something out of picture postcard.
I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. I'm just here. I'm not sure if I'll ever understand myself completely. My efforts to be transparent aren't going so well, but I'm thankful that at least I'm not hiding acting out behaviors. Instead I'm saying I did things I didn't do, making up stories about going to the gym when I didn't, eating pieces of chocolate that I swore to myself I wouldn't eat and letting my husband believe that I'm making healthy choices.
My therapist is helping me to understand that my dishonest and judgemental ways are all a part of trying to control everything around me. For as long as I can remember I have taken people to task for being less than perfect. I've always had someone to rail against. I've usually attributed that to my low self-esteem. The therapist is opening my eyes to the kind of person I really am behaving like underneath -- a manipulative, controlling dishonest person. Don't get me wrong -- she's not saying those things about me, nor am I saying I'm a horrible person. Rather she is revealing to me ways that my negative feelings are coming out sideways.
A woman in program said to me recently, "I don't want to be the person I am." Isn't that why all addicts use? They are trying to avoid being the person they are, the person they can't stand.
One question that came up in the course of my reading over the past few days was "If you saw someone behaving the way you are behaving what would you say to them?"
Well, if I saw someone writing what I'm writing right now -- I'd probably tell them that beating yourself up is not going to help. The whole point of this lesson you are being presented with is that you must first accept yourself as you are. Rejecting who you are is your first and foremost problem. Stop running away from who you are and work, practice each day to become the person you want to be.
That is my message to myself today, this sunny day in frigid cold.
4 months ago