Tuesday, June 17, 2008

If ain't one thing, it's another ...

... as the hillbillies used to say back home.

My food is so completely out of control. I am powerless over my compulsive eating right now. I know, know, know I am not powerless over my choices, but I am really in a bad place when it comes to food.

I had begun attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings more than a year ago. I even had a sponsor for a short while. However, when my sex addiction issues started going haywire, I had to focus on the disease that was killing me the fastest.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am very slowly killing myself with food. For the past 48 hours, I have eaten nothing but sugar, fat, carbs, milk products. It's just gross to even think of all that has gone into my poor body. And this is simply a continuation of behavior that I've been engaged in for months with sugar and carbs. Right now I am powerless over $1 item menus in fast food drive thrus.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today at which a woman shared whatever our "substance" we turn to for comfort becomes our Higher Power. That must surely mean that God is nowhere to be found in my life, because he's being gobbled up in junk.

I know the message is that I have to get back into OA, start working the steps with a sponsor and really commit to getting truly sober in SLAA and abstinent in OA. I'll be perfectly honest, I'm scared shitless if I start to work my OA program, my sex addiction issues will rise again and I'll feel out of control in that area of my life.

I know that there is a power greater than me who can restore me to sanity, and I stand at the turning point, am I willing to turn my will and my WHOLE life over to God as I understand God. All I can say today, is God please help me find the courage and willingness to do what it takes to regain my sanity.


Anonymous said...

It doesn't seem fair. One addiction ought to be enough.

Anonymous said...

I agree with "thegentlepath". I have also often wondered why some people just swap one addiction for another. (My mother fell into that category, on the few occasions she tried to stop smoking she would either start drinking or eating more.)

I don't *think* I have a secondary addiction (perhaps I am kidding myself) .... but perhaps that is part of my problem -- junk food is my crutch because I don't have *any* other crutches to replace it if I start eating healthily?

(Excess alcohol, fags and sex just don't appeal to my inner demon psyche -- only food!)

However, please please TRY to clear the junk, Rae -- please try to find a solution -- you obviously know what the problem is.

Best wishes,

The Traveler said...

Reminds me of that Gopher game, where you whack one on the head into his hole, and another pops up, and you are left there just looking for the next head to rear itself.

But rather than chase heads, get under the ground. Whatever addictive or maladaptive behavior is arising, the base question is probably a single one: What is the driver?

Focus on the driver - why is the engine revving up all these things - and you will have your project defined. Something in your psyche is grinding away, processing, getting somewhere that is scaring itself, and it wants a diversion, and is making them. Instead of chasing the diversions (this is not meant to say do not work your programs) seek what is fueling this need for diversion.

Think systemic. Like a colony of ants - get under the ground and deal with the queen. If you extinguish her, you got the source, and all the others will eventually die out, and it will be quiet, and not re-emerging.

That's the holy grail, that we all need to find.

Thanks for your note; I'm doing fine, just been really busy, more than I had anticipated.

Sending encouragement your way...