Friday, June 20, 2008

Anger right in the face

(Warning: This post contains information that could be triggering to sex addicts, pedophiles and incest victims.)

In EMDR yesterday I had ideations of kicking my stepfather in the face as he knelt between my legs, then kicking his shoulder until he fell backwards, then standing over him and kicking in his chest, his face and placing my heel squarely in the jaw -- all the while making it clear to him that I was NOT enjoying what he was doing to me.

For the purpose of repairing extreme emotional damage, the therapist and I were revisiting an incident in which my father was performing felatio on me in my parents' bedroom, a common location for my abuse scenarios. I don't remember how old I was, but it must have been somewhere between 10-12. I know this because I remember that my stepfather became more aggressive in what he would do to me as I got older. I'm not sure I've ever shared, but one of the reasons I got the courage to tell him to stop when I was 13 was because he had already experimented with putting his penis partially inside me. If he ever went all the way, I've blocked that out completely. However, I was scared to death that he was going to try to become completely sexual with me and I could not bear the thought.

But back to this particular incident. In the midst of his experimentation with my young, innocent body he asked me if what he was doing was feeling good. I told him without emotion the absolute truth. "No." The truth was I wasn't feeling anything. I was just laying there dissociated hoping it would all be over soon. But then he asked me a question that has terrorized me ever since. He asked, "Then why are you breathing so hard?" Oh my God, was I doing something to indicate that I liked what he was doing? Was it possible that I was enjoying it? I was beside myself with shame. Again, I blocked myself quickly from the pain of those emotions but they make me shudder even today.

Thus came yesterday's violent ideations of not only making it clear I was not enjoying myself, but putting him in a vulnerable, helpless situation and asking him, "Does that feel good?" What a miserable piece of sick shit this man was.

It is so difficult to be reliving all of this 30 years later, to be trying to reclaim innocence lost, after giving so much of my innocence away. I sobbed last night in pain. I cried earlier in the day thinking of the fifth characteristic of a sex and love addict: "We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone." I feel so empty, so incomplete, so irrevocably damaged.

My stepfather was a sex addict too. He also felt empty and incomplete when he was alone. And he used me to medicate that. I have used husbands that weren't mine. I wonder if he also thought, "As long as no one knows, no damage done." If he did, he was under the delusion of his disease, just as I have been under the delusion of mine.

I don't know what else to say. I am empty and I am praying for God's guidance and fulfillment today.

10 comments:

Misery Marketing said...

I guess you have to assume he also has a tragic childhood story with abuse in it as well. You sound like you've been growing a lot spiritually lately. Oh btw Im the Serenephobic and Ive been reading your blog for a while but never commented because I can be flirty and realize thats not anything you need from this medium. Anyway keep up the good work.

Michael said...

I can so relate to this post and so many others!

You didn't "give" your innocence away, it was F**King stolen from you by the same type of dirt bag that robbed me of mine.

You might be in a better place to forgive, but I am not. I say the bastard should've been be executed by for the hell he created. Is that Christian no, am I willing to surrender this, no. Am I praying that God will make me willing, yes.

Back to my point - your innocence was taken. I pray you'll reclaim it.

Oh, and I am eating for two horses and a cow at the moment. Oh, and I am powerless over that, too.

Rae said...

By saying I have given my innocence away, I was referring to my acting out. I gave away my fidelity and so much more. But I am thankful for your prayers and offer mine in return.

Michael said...

I knew what you meant by "innocence." And I apologize for being so pithy in my last comment.

I just am really wrestling with this whole amends process. My abuser is in jail and I often envision him getting his just dues by some bad people.

I know this isn't healthy, but its where I am at.

I am so sorry that you're experiencing so much pain. God loves you. Thanks for your openness and kindness.

BizyLizy said...

Rae,

I haven't been doing so well lately, but I just wanted to stop by and send you my love.

I feel your emptiness and pain, and I don't know what else to say except that I am so very sorry. I say this with tears, because I know...you never deserved this. I wish you piece and as I say this, I am imagining an angel of light surrounding you, protecting both you and your inner child.

I hope you can share my vision, and just rest for a little while in the arms of an angel.

For this moment, a song that was written and sung just for you, and only you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CbAjj80NIM

BizyLizy said...

A version with the words...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c

bella said...

I appreciate you for being honest, speaking your truth, telling your story.
I feel like there is much power here and you have, in ways maybe you will not every get to know in full, offered a lifeline for others.

Down in Sunny San Diego said...

I want to thank you for your honesty on this. It brought back memories of to when I was raped and the feelings I had for years afterwards. I acted out with men, too, trying to get back control. The more men I was with, the more alone I felt. No one could ever give me what I needed or desired. I was in this world of torture loving how many men wanted to be with me but wanting them to leave as soon as we had sex. Finally, I did some real work to get through the root of it all. Today, I hold no anger towards the rapist and I have forgiven him. He does not hold the power of me that he did for years. The pain is intense but it does get better. I can say with all honesty that I know that pain firsthand but I also know recovery from that pain, too.

vicariousrising said...

The part when your stepfather turned things around on your by making it seem like your breathing indicated you were enjoying yourself made me want to kick him a few times for you. I say go ahead and be angry as you need to and you don't need to forgive him, even if he had a sad story. You need to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. You also don't have to actively hate him. The way I see it, what happened to you is something you should never have to look back on with "acceptance" because it is something that never, ever should have been done to you. You can be angry without becoming anger. To try to force yourself to be serene over what happened is so unfair to you the adult and the little girl who was too scared to fight back and didn't know how to even if she weren't.

Even beyond the physical abuse, one of the things he taught you was to not trust yourself. He made you feel like you liked it and were an active participant. That confusion took forever for to get through and find my reality and truth. Sometimes the ground still feels shifty and unsure under me.

Parents hold so much responsibility when they have kids, for how all interactions play out in how the kid figures out who they are and how they are accepted in the world. I try not to forget that now with my own boy. Throw mind games and sexual abuse in the mix... he had a responsibility to try to get better, not to inflict himself on a helpless child. He chose not to do that. I'm not saying put the noose around him. I'm just saying you don't have to like it or him - ever. If it feels right now to forgive him, do it, but don't make yourself feel like it is a requirement for yourself. I think you hurt yourself by making that expectation.

I'm sorry for being so long winded. I guess I finally figured out that my anger no longer controlled me when I allowed it to be felt instead of telling myself how I "should" behave. I probably should be qualifying all of this with, this is how it has worked so far for me and I feel so much more at peace with myself and my parents since. But I cannot say I forgive them, although with my mother I am getting to a place that feels like comprehension.

Anonymous said...

playing with reality is what the guy did. how many times do we breath hard when we are terrified? it's a pretty common response. he was playing make believe. your visualization was very powerful. even though it was painful it sounds like a breakthrough.