Friday, June 13, 2008

It's not time

I've been feeling some "pull" to send my stepfather a note for Father's Day. I sat down to pray about it this morning and the question I got back was "Are you doing this for him or you?" When I thought of sending a note that simply said "Thinking of you on Father's Day," I knew it was for him. But when I began to think of writing a card of gratitude, thanking him for being there on the day my mother died (June 15, 1994) and for showing up "in spite of the demons that lived inside." I thought the card would have been for me, from my heart.

I sat down and wrote the card a few minutes ago and I'm sick to my stomach. I wrote "It is the demons that have done the damage" and then sat there for a long time thinking of what to say next. Finally I wrote, "Thankfully we are all more than our demons."

As I reread the card, I am filled with resentment at every line. I know that I can't send it.

I am exhausted. My body tells me that today is not the day.

6 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Sending love and good thoughts your way, Rae. It's huge to recognize where you are and what you're ready to do -- it's not a place I can always (of even often) get to, though I love it when I can.

BizyLizy said...

Listening to your body, and trusting what it is trying to tell you is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, Rae.

Be gentle and listen.

Michael said...

I am working step 9 have been sitting here thinking about my brother and the resentment I hold against him (he is my abuser, my demon). . . and I just can't let go of the resentment. I hate him and I don't know how to change that.

Michael

vicariousrising said...

I think you ended up writing what you really needed to get out.

In my opinion, it is ok to be angry. Feel what you feel. It'll go away when you are done with it.

Much love to you. Oh, and yes, not sending it was the right thing to do ;)

Me, Myself and I said...

Great that u were able to think twice what you were doing and not act out yourself by your instinct (coz sometime I sin of doing, actually, it!)

Kellee said...

Thanks for the example to not only be honest about where you're at but to be ok with it. It's a lesson that I always need to hear/witness.