I'm closer, more engulfed in sobriety than I ever have been. I am more aware of myself, my behaviors, what is driving my feelings. I see my life through a clearer lens, and I have a more truly intimate relationship with my husband and myself than I could have ever dreamed possible. I am more respectful of myself and more willing to try to make responsible decisions for myself, to try to practice the traditions and principles of the program in my life.
Yet, I still have a strong desire to act out lately, to slip away from indescribable feelings of discomfort and unease into the oblivion of sexual acting out.
I am accepting this today as a reminder that the disease does not go away, recovery simply helps me to manage it. I am also accepting it as a reminder that addiction is a disease -- a disease of the mind and body. It affects the way I feel inside and out. It feels differently from day to day and slight changes of mood, emotions, attitude or circumstances can cause it to flare up. But it is a disease -- not just a phase, not just a bi-product of some past life experiences.
Just for today I will live with my disease, trust my Higher Power to guide my life, work my program, and remember that without sobriety the disease is not just a part of my life, it is my life.
One day at a time, thanks to the grace of God, I am recovering.
Maybe I’m Regaining a Religion
6 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
Sending you love tonight, Rae. Thank you for this post.
I can relate . . . something I wrote:
The desperate pain returns with little shame;
nary a word spoken - fear's loathsome wreckage engulfs my life.
Malaise grabs my mind and takes me for a twirl - I am melancholies lover - our orgasm is darkness, our passion pain.
I feel unmanageability's isolating force spin me around life's worthless course; sadness, sorrow, and shame shackle my mind; can I fight? Can I win?
What good is this job with the monstrous debt I owe;
How can I make amends when I tremble at her very sight?
And where is my God? Can I continue to praise Him;
Can He heal me of this disease?
The sirens of the past beckon to me once again;
come hither they hiss; "We'll fill you with meaningless sex. We'll fill you with groping, touching, and the poison of a thousand fallen angels.
Can I just wither and die; can I stop wishing for death - for relief never seems to come.
Pain, oh pain - why do you feel like my only friend?
Epilogue:
My dusty voice quivers, my sorrow overflows, to a whispering cry;
Come to me God; rescue my soul for I am zapped of strength and can barley say; "Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all [my] iniquity, who heals all [my] diseases, who redeems [my] life from the pit, who crowns [me] with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies [me] with good so that [my] youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Sounds like recovery to me. Keep workin Rae. If its like alcoholism then more freedom and less temptation is down the road.
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