Monday, July 14, 2008

Reprieve

I am currently undergoing treatment for chronic depression in an outpatient program. IDespite what it may look like on the outside, I have struggled immensely with depression and isolation (and some major withdrawal from my relapses) over the past 18 months and these have kept me unemployed, and in a regular state of misery. When my therapist called me a couple of days ago to ask me to give the hospital a call and set up an appointment, I felt enormous sadness. I could not stop crying. For so long, I have felt desparate for someone else to acknowledge the extent of my struggles. Finally somone had, and now it was my turn to acknowledge the truth I had wanted others to validate. I was sad.

But today, I am willing and ready -- whatever treatment options are available, I am willing to explore. I prayed yesterday asking my Higher Power to guide me to a message in Answers in the Heart, and opened to a page in Sept. where the reading was about asking for help when we need it. I've not been so good at that, but yesterday I reached out to my Higher Power, and I felt an unfamiliar willingness to reach out to my husband, and to talk to others in recovery about how I was feeling. I also felt the willingness to seek the help I need from professionals who have tools, to supplement the tools of this program, to help me move forward.

Likewise, I am opening my heart to the idea that no gain comes without some level of self sacrifice and change. My depression might never have escalated thus far if I had been taking the measures necessary over the years to maintain proper health. But those things are in the past and all I can do is work on today.

Today I am grateful to be alive. Since I was born, I've had all kinds of chances to simply die. I've thought a few times I was going to die when I was no where close, and contemplated doing the deed myself in the midst of despair -- but here I am fully alive and seeking help and surrender, one day at at time.

5 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

And I'm here cheering for you, dear Rae.

sexaddiction said...

Just hang in there. Keep blogging if it makes you feel better.

The Traveler said...

Anger, and, now, sadness. Good for you Rae. It's so painful, but emerging to feel is the only pathway to living.

The feelings may be crude and unmodulated at first, but modulation will come in time.

And the murky browns will someday begin to separate into a rainbow of colors. It's not all dark, just seems that way in the place you are at, today.

Sending encouragement.

TT

Misery Marketing said...

Its good to get help when you need help. Ive decided Im not going to settle for being less than content and neither should you. I may never actually be content but Ill never settle for it. Breathe in, Breathe out, Right foot, Left foot....

Kellee said...

Thinking of you...