Saturday, July 05, 2008

Honest

I'm closer, more engulfed in sobriety than I ever have been. I am more aware of myself, my behaviors, what is driving my feelings. I see my life through a clearer lens, and I have a more truly intimate relationship with my husband and myself than I could have ever dreamed possible. I am more respectful of myself and more willing to try to make responsible decisions for myself, to try to practice the traditions and principles of the program in my life.

Yet, I still have a strong desire to act out lately, to slip away from indescribable feelings of discomfort and unease into the oblivion of sexual acting out.

I am accepting this today as a reminder that the disease does not go away, recovery simply helps me to manage it. I am also accepting it as a reminder that addiction is a disease -- a disease of the mind and body. It affects the way I feel inside and out. It feels differently from day to day and slight changes of mood, emotions, attitude or circumstances can cause it to flare up. But it is a disease -- not just a phase, not just a bi-product of some past life experiences.

Just for today I will live with my disease, trust my Higher Power to guide my life, work my program, and remember that without sobriety the disease is not just a part of my life, it is my life.

One day at a time, thanks to the grace of God, I am recovering.

3 comments:

Kellee said...

Sending you love tonight, Rae. Thank you for this post.

Michael said...

I can relate . . . something I wrote:
The desperate pain returns with little shame;
nary a word spoken - fear's loathsome wreckage engulfs my life.

Malaise grabs my mind and takes me for a twirl - I am melancholies lover - our orgasm is darkness, our passion pain.

I feel unmanageability's isolating force spin me around life's worthless course; sadness, sorrow, and shame shackle my mind; can I fight? Can I win?

What good is this job with the monstrous debt I owe;
How can I make amends when I tremble at her very sight?

And where is my God? Can I continue to praise Him;
Can He heal me of this disease?

The sirens of the past beckon to me once again;
come hither they hiss; "We'll fill you with meaningless sex. We'll fill you with groping, touching, and the poison of a thousand fallen angels.

Can I just wither and die; can I stop wishing for death - for relief never seems to come.

Pain, oh pain - why do you feel like my only friend?

Epilogue:
My dusty voice quivers, my sorrow overflows, to a whispering cry;

Come to me God; rescue my soul for I am zapped of strength and can barley say; "Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all [my] iniquity, who heals all [my] diseases, who redeems [my] life from the pit, who crowns [me] with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies [me] with good so that [my] youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Misery Marketing said...

Sounds like recovery to me. Keep workin Rae. If its like alcoholism then more freedom and less temptation is down the road.