Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hate-filled and thankful

This morning I read a story from Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul, and as it ended, something inside me cried out "God, I need your help. At my core, I hate myself. I hate who and how I am, the way I look, the way I feel. I hate what I've become and that I can't seem to move past it on to something more. I hate that I wake up every morning and life seems to have no purpose at all. I hate that following three simple daily rules - take a shower, exercise, and make a list - seem to be too much for me. I simply hate my life."

I knew I needed to come here to write. But as I stepped out of the room where I had been reading and into the hallway, there was my dog, sleeping peacefully, not yet fed. I said, "Thank you God, for this one daily reason to live."

I looked at my house ... it needs to be dusted, decluttered, vacuumed, there's dishes that need to be washed. I remembered that my husband will be home this weekend, and I said, "Thank you God for the incentive to clean, something to look forward to."

I came to the computer and began to hate myself again as I checked five e-mail accounts -- three of them legitimate, two used for the purpose of medicating my pain. But when I opened up my "official" e-mail, I was thankful for the reminder that tomorrow I'll have my weekly meeting with a group of wonderful women who make me laugh and smile and feel loved and nurtured and appreciated. And I was thankful that as their "organizer," I had a task to complete before tomorrow's meeting. Thank you, God, for giving me a reason to take one more step toward one more day.

And now, here I am finally writing, and willing to say, God I do need your help. I know I cannot live with this self-loathing. I know that even in itself it is a defect of character. But, God, I also want to thank you for your help, for carrying me through these rough times, for helping me to see today that you are with me, that there are reasons to live. I can only trust that there is a reason for where I am today, for the emotional pain that I feel, for the call of my sexual addiction, for the absolute shame I feel about my body and the way I've used it. Please help me have faith that in your time, I will find the strength and courage to move past this point. I want to serve you and to serve others. If that is your will, please give me the faith and the courage to go on, not in self-hatred, but in self-love, so that I might share your love with others.

5 comments:

vicariousrising said...

Oh, Rae, this post breaks my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I'm sending love your way, dear girl.

Bernadine said...

Rae,

Sounds like an answered prayer to me.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are struggling right now.

Enigma said...

(((BIG HUGS)))

Sending you lots of light and love! Take care of yourself!

MargauxMeade said...

Hugs, Rae. In my experience, these feelings come and go. Right now, I'm PMSing hardcore and sort of hating life. But a few days earlier, I felt pretty damn good. I keep reminding myself that, yeah, right now I feel like shit but that's okay--as soon as this hormonal storm blows over, I'll be back to feeling good. I promise: This too shall pass.

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about just getting a job? You sound like someone who really needs a job. You would not have time to overeat, you would be more active, you would earn your own income...

I'm wondering why you don't have a job since it seems so glaringly obvious that you need one desperately.