Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Just before going to bed tonight, my husband told me he had been approached about an opportunity to return to our home state again. I felt the heaviness settle in immediately. Already today I've been troubled at a core level by the current state of affairs in our country -- economically, politically, socially. And this just added to the pile of unsettled feelings.

The depth of my despair, the affair with R., the isolation and loneliness I felt when we returned "home" last time all came to mind, as did the possibilities of how I would want to do things differently this time if we did return. All of these worries are a million miles from premature, but they are with me. Thoughts of my family, of the strained relations, of the opportunities to spend time with old friends, of the lack of support systems in terms of recovery resources, of the lower cost of living, of hubby's leveraging power and long-term feelings of job security -- they all are swimming in my head. Nothing is concrete within me ... just restless feelings.

God knows what God has in store ... I guess the best I can do for tonight is turn it over to him and know that I will not be given more than I can endure.


PATRICK said...

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.

I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:16-21)


PATRICK said...

Four years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of ABSOLUTE TERROR!! I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit]... I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital.

I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis.

I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staffs were very supportive...I had no control over my process.

I was released from hospital 16th September 1994, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame].

No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified].

I asked JESUS CHRIST to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins.Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.”

I am a practicing Catholic & the HOLY SPIRIT is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing.

I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities.

John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time.

I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages [England & Australia].

Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].


My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...

stupid Patrick. He really is making the rounds on everyone's blogs. I had to enable comment moderation in order to stop his crappy comments.

I understand your fears about going home. I was recently thinking about what it would be like to move home. It would be enormously difficult. I have less acting-out-history where I live right now. If I were to move home I would be incredibly concerned about my sobriety. I know that it's possible to move, but I would be sure to prepare as best as I could.


My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...
stupid Patrick. He really is making the rounds on everyone's blogs. I had to enable comment moderation in order to stop his crappy comments.

Dear Kenneth,
Was your father a STUPID PERSON?

This is where you are GOING - if you don’t REPENT, Kenny!!