Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Where am I?

In response to my sister's question, "How are you doing today?" I responded:
"I'm doing fine."

In response to a blog reader who wrote to check in and note my absent silence, I wrote:

"I'm not sure where I am to be honest -- somewhere between here and there, feeling shifts, as I have been for years, but uncertain at times if I'm capable of dealing with them. Like you, I've uncovered new things ... they relate to ... my own fundamental fears and faulty thinking. The truth is deeper than I realized.

The fear of what lies beneath these shifts takes me back to a familiar place ... a place where I feel pleasure and pain, freedom and imprisonment."

In response to EC about why I was not writing to him, I wrote:

"I really just feel like I've backed myself in a corner in every relationship I have. I've done it to myself, I'm not whining, nor seeking reassurance -- I just feel that there is no where to turn anymore. There's no where to turn, because my need to be perfect blocks my willingness to be honest. My need to be perfect is based on a fear of judgement, thus rejection. It's flawed thinking. I know. I can hardly even write these words because this fear grips me so completely. The irony is, that in the process of running away from rejection, I have closed myself off completely from acceptance.

I sat in (my therapist's) office yesterday and started crying at the thought of how very scared I am to be an honest human being, to give up that alter ego of disease, to not have dishonesty to hide behind. The idea of being whole, though I want it -know that it is God's will for me, scares me to death. I fear I cannot function. Is that a cop-out? Maybe. I don't know. I just know I felt that fear completely sitting there with her."

Where am I? That's a deep, dark secret that even I don't know.


vicariousrising said...

I'm really glad you posted. And such an honest post about fear and wanting to stay safe in the lies. Admitting those things takes strength. Many people never get where you are. Just keep going forward. It will only get better.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you posted too. I don't think that fearing you can't function is a cop-out. It's just a fear. Little children are terrified of monsters under the bed. The fear is real, even though the monster is not and it's something each of us has to come to realize on our own. We either find our courage, often crying when we get out of bed; or we stay in bed and cry.

Misery Marketing said...

I feel like I coulda wrote this post. I know know my own truth and fear is my co-pilot.

My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...

The desires, fears, and resentments that dwell in our unconscious are incredibly powerful... Easwaran described our mind like a vast ocean and our unconscious is the depths of that ocean, swirling with powerful currents that toss us around on the surface.. but we can't see them.

I appreciate your post. I've been feeling tossed around by deep fears lately. I don't know why. It comes and goes. Meditation seems to help...

My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...

oh, and also...

today at a meeting I realized why I am struggling with step six. I hate the idea of letting go of my character defects. They allowed me to deal with life in a way that I was comfortable.

Like you said, I want to be whole. But at the same time I don't.

Kellee said...

I know exactly what you are saying. Thank you for being here with your brutal, beautiful honesty. It helps to know that every side is struggling with this disease.