Tuesday, June 05, 2007

All I can do

I woke up this morning and I really don't feel good. I have a headache. I feel tired, and I feel vulnerable to using the Internet to connect with unhealthy people and food to bring me comfort.

I'm upset because I'm really not losing that much weight even though I've given up the comforts of sugary foods and the convenience of drive throughs.

I feel disconnected from the world, as if I have no friends, and even those friends I have ... I don't want to, don't feel like connecting to them.

R. is getting married this week and I suppose that is weighing on my mind. I wrote him a letter yesterday saying among other things ...

"And as good as we were, as much love and feelings as we shared, as much determination as we both had -- there was something more for both of us. More revelations, more healing, and a clearer path for me. For you, a shining love with a full commitment and a full life. Honesty for both of us. We were the catalysts for unleashing in one another what had been locked away for so long. I am thankful we had the chance to take those first steps together toward progress and life. I know, despite the pain and the outcome, that you were a gift from God to me and I will be forever grateful."

I'm obsessing a bit over my friend M. -- the one who used to be my sponsor until we started having a phone sex relationship. Then we became friends again. And now it feels like I want to connect to him, but I'm feeling the toxicity of the relationship. I think I want to connect to him for "sick" reasons -- not that I want to act out with him sexually, but that maybe he's just been a love interest in disguise all this time. I don't know. I do know he's ignoring me for a reason -- and I suspect it may be because he's acting out in some way himself. Oh well, as I'm trying to learn in recovery ... that's none of my business. I have enough to focus on right here inside my own little hoola-hoop.

I've been half-heartedly trying to look for a job, but I get these spurts of energy and then I have to force myself to do anything.

I think I'm going to go back to bed for a little while. If I end up staying there all day, so be it. If I wake up feeling better ... that will be great. I am trying to do my part these days to make my life better. I don't know how well I'm doing at that. I feel like today I am willing to wallow in pity and isolate. That's not exactly my part. But it feels like all I can do today.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I'm glad you found my blog so that I could find yours. Thank you.

Me, Myself and I said...

*me claps and claps at you*

very good at not getting the easy way and fall down the same mistake all over again. You did great at skipping M. this time.


Recovering Wino said...

Spent a lot of time on your blog today...have enjoyed reading it. I hope you keep it up as I need this right now as much as anything. I'm really struggling with an area of my life that I think you can identify with.

ESH Man said...


Ditto what Ms. Jones said. I'm glad you found my blog but more glad that I found yours. I've linked to it too.

I also want to thank you for your comment and encouragement. When I got back home after my recent trip I told my sponsor I would give my computer to my girlfriend again this week. I didn't and the results weren't good. In some sense it was more a result of me being in a bad place than the cause, but these things certainly work in tandem to increase the depths of the downward cycle.

Lilya said...

Hi Rae,

Like everyone else, thanks for finding me!

I'm just getting back to blogging -- the last few weeks/months have been spent obsessing, thank you very much, about SLAA stuff AND OA stuff... which yes, has made me certifiable. It's been a long time out of program(s)... and your blog is a fresh breeze of honesty and that I'm grateful for.

I'll be around more often... keep breathing, my dear :)