What was ...

On Nov. 29, 2004

J.

We can either continue to hurt each other unintentionally, or we can just call this off all together.

Regardless of what we say, we want one thing (sole committment from one another) and do another.

When I fell rejected by you, I do my damndest to find some other means to feel accepted, or some way to mask the pain. When you feel rejected, you have your own way of dealing with it. Either way, it's all counterproductive to the reason we started this in the first place.

Blame is not going to fall on either side. I've made my mistakes and misjudgements, and you've made yours. In between, we've harmed what was something amazingly good.

I thought after we started "going on our way" that my way was going to be to give up chat and these sexual escapades all together. We'd had our fun and it was clearly over -- you'd moved on to more exciting things. Instead, in order to mask pain and what felt like rejection, I've found myself in a worse situation than I ever expected. I want desparately to hold on to you -- a place I never should have been, yet have no faith that you want me for anything more than a "stash." Thus, I seek out new people, people who keep you from mattering to me -- even people like the doctor, who simply convince me that nothing about this matters at all.

I know you won't respond to what I've said. ... but know that I'm sorry for hurting you, and for not being strong enough to handle things a little better. I have no interest in hurting you or fighting with you anymore. It's a waste of energy. We've spent our energy in good ways in the past. And for that I'm thankful. For what we are going through now ... I'm sorry.

Rae

And a month before on Oct. 1 --


Dear J.,

(Yes, one day I'm going to hear your thoughts on all this ... )

I think this morning was great because, to me, it felt like what was happening really was an extension of our sharing. Your pleasure was constantly in my mind. I felt that everything I was doing with Terry was in some way giving you pleasure, and I certainly know that seeing you with Tammy, and knowing and hearing the pleasure she was feeling made me feel good that the guy I call my sexy lover was making another woman feel so good. And I heard you enjoying her sucking, I was so aroused, so thrilled. When Terry was moaning when he came, I was hoping you could hear him and got a thrill from knowing it was your woman that was making another man feel like that. When Tammy was moaning from your touch, your tongue, your cock ... I was thrilled beyond belief. When I joined Tammy in sucking your cock and your balls ... I can't tell you how turned on I was by the fact that I was taking part in something that I knew you'd fantasized about extensively and were finally getting. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I hope that you can understand what I'm trying to say.

And one little thing that I wanted to tell you that drove me through the roof ... when Tammy and I were both sucking your cock and I went deep down on you and you said my name ... wow! I could have almost cum.

Funny how none of the above is what I sat down to write ...

What I sat down to write is that at some point when things settle down a bit, I'd like to talk to you about what's on your mind. Ever since I came back from vacation, you have been "different" with me ... more reserved is the only way I can describe it. It may be that you've had a horribly busy time at work. I certainly think that's the case this afternoon. But it's not this afternoon that I'm talking about ... it was earlier in the week, even when you were here. You seemed a bit like you wanted some distance. I just want to open up the door, if there's something we can discuss. The range of things that run through my mind as possibly being wrong run everywhere from you're really feeling a need to focus on work and think that I demand too much of your time in chat (which I do, and I'll understand if you say so. We could both use some time to focus on our work) ... to not just me, but all these horny girls after you are too much to keep up with while trying to maintain your sanity, to maybe you're feeling the need to be a little less exclusive. Maybe you enjoyed that "thrill of the chase" with Tammy and Jo while I was gone and are feeling a little smothered by how we've "defined" our relationship. Or maybe it's none of this ... I don't know. But you told me once that whatever is on our minds, whatever we are dealing with, we should be able to talk about it. And, I'd like to, when you get the time. At the same time, I want you to know without hesitation or worry, that I'm willing to give you some breathing room, a chance to explore if that's what you want, or even just a chance to work, if that's what you need. But I think what we have is special, and even if we have to take a break or simply "come up for air" ... I want you to continue to be a part of my life in some way. And I want you to feel free to tell me when something is on your mind. So, at some point, in your time ... let's talk.

Love,

Rae

and on Dec. 10, 2004

G,

Hope that you are doing well and that your week has shaped up OK. Mine was long, but not too tedious. The weekend is here, so that's good, even if it is raining like crazy.

I wanted to write you a note and tell you that I've decided to take a brief break from "this" -- this meaning extramarital activities, online searches, all the stuff associated with that life. I think over the past few months, I've let it sap a lot from me, and I just need to step away and sort of take an inventory, so to speak of where I am in my life, and rejuvenate. Put my head on a little straighter.

I realize that you and I have just sort of started something, and haven't gotten to spend a lot of time together -- but I don't think it's fair to either of us to proceed half-heartedly. Rest assured, that this decision has nothing at all to do with my interest in you. Without a doubt, hands down, no-holds barred you are the most skilled lover I ever encountered and I have enjoyed immensely the time we have spent together both sexually and in conversation. I mean that truly.

Still I know that I am off-kilter, not prepared to give you what you need or want right now ... and I don't want to be that to anyone, especially not someone as giving as you are.

So, that said, I'll step away and see where the next step leads. I'm not saying goodbye -- although you may decide that's best for you -- I'm just saying for now I'm taking a break. Again, we'll see where the next step leads.

Thanks for everything. I hope you will understand.

Take care,

Rae

and then on Dec. 16, 2004


Gary,

Hi.

Hope you are doing well, surviving the cold and the busy holiday season. On my end ... life is manageable, kinda.

I needed to write more to you about my "break," what brought it on, etc.

I really should have taken this break after my "disconnection" with J. My perception of the relationship I had with him, and the reality of what it was hurt me more than I probably still know. It was not that it hurt me so much that he didn't think of me in the way that I thought he did, but more that I allowed myself to be made such a fool of, and put my guard down that far. Also, that I was not more in control of my emotions -- knowing, going in, that this is just sex for fun, I fell for words and ignored actions.

But to be honest, J has only a little to do with this whole thing. Over the past few months, I became obsessed with sex, sexual pleasure, the pursuit of it. It was what my life revolved around. My work suffered, my self-esteem suffered, a lot suffered. To get a cheap thrill, I was paying a high price. Ironically, the reason I began pursuing an extramarital affair was because I felt a void of intimacy and closeness at home. What I ultimately ended up doing was using sex as a drug to "medicate" the feelings of loneliness and isolation. I came to the realization slowly that I had to stop that.

I wrongly started something with you, feeling insecure, untrusting and just plain numb. Pure fucking was fine ... 1. because it was so good and 2. because I thought, that's all there is anyway and 3. because beginning a relationship with you did "medicate" what ailed me. In the meantime, I was thinking, "This guy could have any woman he wanted. He's way too good for me. You're just available, he's available and you are hooking up." If I dig way down in my psychoanalytical mind (psycho being the key word there) ... I know that I also simply thought that we'd use each other and then you'd be gone, off to the next best thing. And I'd be in the same place ... Lonelier, more isolated, with a bigger void than ever.

I'm not trying to paint myself as a martyr here. I know full well that I have used men, including you, for my satisfaction -- ignoring whatever truths existed in order to pursue my own pleasure, momentary sense of connectedness. I am not proud of that fact, it gnaws at me every day. But I know that I need to break the cycle. I need to face myself instead of running away from the things that caused me to hurt in the first place. (That's a lot longer story that I won't subject you to.)
I know this must sound like total lunacy and I'm not sure why I felt I needed to write it to you. I think in one way it is a confession. In another it's an apology. In another it's a way of saying, you matter more than just walking away -- I felt I owed you some kind of, no matter how cryptic, explanation, but mainly an apology for drawing you into something where I knew there were questionable issues.

I am willing to be friends. But I'm also willing to say, I fucked up, I have some serious issues to work on, I'm sorry for all I did wrong, thank you for everything good that came out of the brief time we spent talking and together. Both are true.

Thanks,

Rae

Love is a thoughtful, committed decision

Written to two support buddies today, and first introduced to me by a man I met at a park for a quick blow job -- a man who was before and is now, my friend.

Regarding love being a feeling or a decision -- I fought this concept of love being a choice tooth and nail. NO WAY, I said. As you said, it's either there or it's not. I'm not trying to answer the question for everyone, but I do believe that true love is decision we make, not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. Now, that's not to say that those feelings that overwhelm us about someone, might not lead us to make the decision to love that person, but the feelings of excitement, etc. are just the high. True love, -- again, my opinion, my personal answer to the question -- is the decision to commit ourselves, our lives, to a partnership with another person, whether romantically, in friendship, or in family. Part of making that choice or that decision, is being sure of ourselves, who we are, what we deserve, and what we are willing and able to expect and ask for from the relationship, as well as what we are willing to give.

I won't pretend that I've gotten to the point in my self-esteem to make these decisions. I have come to the realization, that I must first learn who I am, what I stand for, and why I want to exist. Then, I will have the awesome responsibility to choose love, rather than be overwhelmed by the distorted depiction of it I see all around me.

Prayers on the roller coaster

It's amazing the difference in attitude, when after a good night's rest, I wake up and say a prayer, even a short one -- expressing thanks and asking for blessings and "thy will" for the day -- before getting out of bed.

Just in the few minutes that it took for me to go to the bathroom, read a meditation on financial responsibility and walk out the door to see my husband sleeping peacefully on the bed -- I was blessed with the mental reminder that the fundamentals of any relationship, especially a marriage, are love, honor, and respect. I have the opportunity to share those attributes with my spouse today -- I am not alone, I am not struggling to rebuild my marriage while fighting against his knowledge of the times I showed nothing close to love, honor and respect for him or me, I am blessed.

What a roller coaster we live on, my friends. Thank you for being there in ups and the downs. I am blessed to have you as well.

In thanks and honor to each of you who are struggling, but thankfully are living,

Still around ...

Well, my addiction certainly knows how to remind me that it's still around. It also knows how to remind me that I have to work the program and keep to my bottom lines if I ever want to get through this.

Today I took off work. As of yesterday I started talking with a couple of recovery buddies online. What a mistake. I know better. Today, I signed on to messgenger "visible" ... only kind of by accident. The same shit happens every time, and somehow I can't get it through my head that it's all destructive.

Anyway, as I was saying, I took off work -- so I had the "urge" to chat with the new recovery buddy. In the process I got IM's from two guys I formerly had "relations" with -- one who did the usual disappearing act.

This probably all started by me sending that e-mail to E. a couple of weeks back. Then this past week I sent an IM to J. One of my bottom lines is NO contact with him. He didn't IM back. Then just now I checked his profile and he's taken off all references to sexual issues. Of course, now I'm going to obsess over whether he got caught, if he's found someone that he really is willing to commit to or what. Maybe he created a new screen name. All this causes me soooo much confusion and why the hell am I wallowing around in it. It's useless and I know it. And now I feel so ashamed. Now I have to confess all of this to someone.

Not to mention the fact that this afternoon I talked to one of the former DOC's who I didn't even like, but who is my neighbor and who keeps hounding me to get together, because he heard what a good BJ I give and asked him, "Have you talked to J.?" Fucking A. what is wrong with me. So after this, I start reading online erotica, go to the movies and mb. in the theater. What a horrible addiction and affliction this is. Now I'm going to rot in all this.

Of course, I have the choice not to. I also have the choice to get right back into this whole mess.

I should not have watched that program this morning on Good Morning America about the rising number of unfaithful wives. They were basically condoning sex outside marriage. RRRRR

I'm going to write to a recovery friend and then get busy. SHIT!

Some Step Work

Make a comparison table where I had to list what was real versus what was unreal in the relationship. For every real list an unreal.

1. (Unreal) - Because men chose to speak to me and engage in sex with me, I was worthwhile.
(Real) - Because I was sexually available, but emotionally unavailable, men wanted to talk to me and have sex with me. In it all, I (the real me) was worthless.

2. (Both real and unreal) I felt wanted and desired (the unreal part was they didn't really want me and desire me .. I was just an object.

3. (unreal) I was getting away with it, at work, at home and in my soul.
(real) I am so behind at work, it's unreal. At home, things were suffering and I couldn't look at anything good my husband was doing. In my soul, I was slowly eating myself alive.

4. (unreal) I was the only woman in each of these men's lives.
(real) Just like me they had one side f*ck after another.

There's many more ... but that's enough for now.

How did it make my life unmanageable?

I was constantly online, talking to men day and night - at home and at work, on the phone and meeting them in person. I put off deadlines, I put off work. I was afraid I'd be fired. I should have been. I was afraid I'd lose my marriage. I would have deserved it. I was obsessing beyond belief. When I wasn't doing one of the above "actions" I was obsessing about the next conversation, finding the next person, keeping my hold on the the people I had.
What was the payoff?
I felt desired, wanted. I didn't have to feel alone. I was leading an exciting life. I was "the best" at lots of things.
Who did I hurt?
My colleagues, my husband, my family. I hurt the men I was involved with, by helping them to continue their own addictions and I hurt their families, their jobs. Most of all, I hurt myself.

How was I at fault?
I'm confused about the answer to this. The program might tell me I wasn't ... that I was diseased. But if anything, I kept letting it happen, even when I knew it was wrong. My amend is that I have stopped and am trying to stay that way.
What should I have done instead?
I think at the time, I did the only thing I knew how to do. In retrospect, I guess I should have just never started chatting with men online. But that doesn't even seem like it was an option at this point. It was of course, but it doesn't seem like it now. Everything just happened. I guess I still am deflecting a lot of the blame.
History of the relationship.
I'm not sure I understand this question as it relates to me -- but there was more than one "relationship." My relationship was with one man after another who I met on the Internet and later met offline for sex. Some men I'd had several conversations with before meeting them, but in the worst of my addiction, I might talk to a guy for a few minutes and meet him a few minutes later for sex. Others, I would have "committed relationships" with. What a joke. It's all so surreal now, yet I still feel closeness to some of these people. It's unreal.