Monday, October 12, 2009

One pound and some notes

I have began to slowly try to care for my body with more exercise and one day at a time am trying to make better choices around food. I'm no where near perfect with either effort, but I'm doing my best to simply notice my feelings and accept my efforts.

Today was weigh in day at the gym. If I go by the "official" weigh in, I lost two-tenths of one pound. If I go by the locker room weigh in, I lost 1.4 lbs. So, essentially, we'll even it out and say that in one week, I lost one pound.

Sure, I should celebrate ... I lost 1 pound! Whoopee!

Yet my feelings and self-loathing messages are hard at work with really demeaning reminders of how many weeks it's going to take me to lose just back to where I was six months ago, and lashing me for every "bad" food choice I made last week, and for the wimpiness of my exercise routine -- even though, for the first time in months I went to the gym four days last week.

The laws of nature go like this -- you get out what you put in. I needed some warm up and build up time for my exercise, and food is still a great soother and satisfier for me. If these things change gradually, they will change for good. Of course, that screaming little child in me wants all this excess fat and flesh gone today and if it is not gone, she's decided we'll hate ourselves.

I'm doing my best not to soothe the uncomfortable feelings with food. I did take a nap, which is another sometimes unhealthy soother, but tonight I'll go to a meeting and be aware of my feelings and offer some love to the screaming, disappointed little girl.


I'm reading Melody Beattie's new book, called "The New Codependency" and finding some rare gems there. It can stir some feelings that are hard to deal with, but it also has some great exercises for moving through those feelings and on to healing.


I received an e-mail last week from a fellow sex addict who had discovered my blog and took the time to read through it from beginning to end. I was touched that someone would spend the time to read my words and I took some time myself to go back and read some of my earlier writings. It was a welcome reminder that while I still struggle, I have come a long, long way. My God, I was crazy before I got into recovery and even a few times since. I am grateful.


Step 1 says I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable. Thankfully there is a spiritual solution. Today, I sought it. I stood looking out my back door and asked God to please give me the willingness to feel my feelings and to surrender my life to his will.


I am resisting the urge to want to run away from my therapist, who wants me to do things differently than I am willing to do them. I am going to show up to this week's appointment and leave it in God's hands.


I continue to feel like the life I am living and the one I am sharing with my husband is quite a mess. It seems so different than what I expected life to be. Again, I'm just going to keep trying and asking for the sincerity I need to travel on this path.


Willow said...

I have health problems and I get many of the same feelings you do from body image. I'm thin so it may be interesting to you to know that the feelings can be the same........It's difficult to love your body when it seems to betray you and yet, of late I have decided that my body has not betrayed me but has sent me a message with every disheartening thing I have experienced through it. My body is teaching me what to pay attention to. It helps me feel more loving toward my physical being when I look at it this way.

Enigma said...

Hey Rae,

I can totally relate to you with this one. Since the discovery of my husband's addiction in January, I've gained 20lbs. I'm also trying to care for my body and lose the extra weight, but every time I see the numbers on the scale whether they've lowered or stayed the same, I too get the self-loathing message. I always feel that losing weight is going to be the magic cure. But I remind myself that I suffered from very low self-esteem, hating the way I looked even before I gained the bulk of my weight. Even when I was "skinny".

It's still frustrating. I'm starting to think the changes have to start on the inside before I can start to feel any better about what's going on the outside. I don't have any magic answers to give you, since I'm in the thick of it too. But, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Take care & carry on,