I made the move this weekend to be with my husband. Several of my regular readers asked ... "Do you really want to go?"
I'm not sure if I wanted to go or not ... but it was the only decision I felt like I could make.
And after I got back from a trip with my husband to see his dieing mother (who has since passed) and told R. that I was leaving ... he told me that he had met someone else, had spent the weekend with her ... and almost right away I could tell that his loyalties had already shifted.
I spent the next two weeks with him ... almost every minute I could. I bought him a used Cadillac for less than $5,000, and gave him enough money to stay afloat for a while. I had been so worried about his financial condition ... and I just couldn't bear the thought of him being stuck on the side of the road, with no one to call. I may look back on this as a stupid decision. He said he would pay me back a little at a time for the car. If he never does, that's OK too. I just needed one little peace of mind as my world seemed to be falling apart.
There were a lot of tears during those two weeks, a lot of recollections of all we had shared, and how amazing it was we had shared so much over the past year -- despite the fact that I was married the whole time, and him part of the time. The night before I left ... just a week ago tomorrow ... he began to make love to me. He brought me to climax, but then stopped. I knew why he couldn't bear to finish, but we didn't speak of it. He was seeing her the next day, for the first time in those two weeks. After I got here, I asked him about it, and he confirmed my theory. She was his future, I was his past. He didn't say that, I did. Instead, he apologized for hurting me. I just absorbed it.
Now I am here ... the things that have been wrong in my marriage are still wrong. I am still a sex addict ... and have been "playing with fire," -- this time with women -- I think because I just don't think I can trust men at all.
But I've been going to support group meetings every day ... and will continue to do so.
Today I began to work on the house, and yesterday I spent some time grocery shopping. Tonight I'll cook. Life will regain some normalcy and I pray that I continue to grow. There's a part of me that wants to pack up and leave ... go back home to my family, my friends. R. won't be there as my lover, but at least he would be there as my friend.
That's it for me folks. More to come.
2 months ago