Monday, January 04, 2010

Acknowledging the voices in my head

I have written before of the unsual appearance of a "voice" in my head that simply said "I love you, Rae." I never knew who the voice belonged to and it never came at a time when it made sense. For example, it wasn't that it appeared when I was feeling low or sad or even good. It just appeared out of the blue at indescript times.

Well, I have to say that I liked that voice better than the ones I've been "hearing" lately ... ones like the one that whispered into the night as I awoke just a few minutes ago, "In the black and white world where I'm either dead or alive, I choose death."

This is not the first time such a voice has appeared ... it's been more frequent lately. One recognizable one is "Please just let me die," and also "I don't want to live."

Before you go calling the cops or suicide watch line -- I don't connect to these voices any more than I did the voice that said "I love you." They just appear in my psyche and I have no idea where they come from.

Yes, it is true that I suffer from depression and those words certainly are comfortable in its darkness. Though I feel none of the emptiness that one might expect when these words dance through my head. Again, there is no emotional attachment to the thoughts, they just appear as "messages to self."

It's bizarre stuff that I will discuss with my therapist, not that my therapist had any answer when I said I got those "I love you" whispers.


Anonymous said...

Isn't it possible that the voice that says, "I love you" is God? I know He speaks, and at the times of His own choosing--He may have said it at times that He knew you would remember, rather than when it may have made sense from a human perspective. I don't mean to be disrespectful of your beliefs (I don't know what they are) but I just wondered if you had considered this and the implications of what it means.

The Second Road said...

I understand. First, you are loved.

I respect talking to the therapist, I never did.

Those voices made it hard for me to trust my intuition--which is fairly strong. Meditation and breath work really quieted those voices for me.