Monday, April 27, 2009

The least I can do

I have not written here, or most anywhere, for a month. I received a note from a blogger buddy who asked if I was a stuck as my blogging seems to be.

I'm neither stuck nor growing, neither clear nor confused, neither drunk nor sober, neither perfect nor imperfect, neither happy nor sad.

I'm in this bizarre place that I can't seem to find the words to describe, other than to use a tired phrase, "I'm in a state of transition and change." This particular state is not easy to describe and I have been unwilling/unable to write about it.

There's been a lot written, even by me, about living life in balance, in the middle, in the gray areas. Addicts are known as extremists.

I do find that I am not writing ... not e-mails, not blog posts, not journal entries, not snail mail.

I am also finding that I don't feel passionate or committed to anything. Everything, literally, feels fluid, as if there is nothing I can count on, and nothing that will last. I am reluctant to start new things because it feels like they won't last, and it feels impossible to accept that there is nothing on earth that lasts forever.

My therapist suggested some flow of consciousness writing to express myself, and I guess this is what this is. I'm emptying some of my confusion, some of my struggles out onto the table in hopes of making better sense of it.

While I'm writing I'm going to acknowledge a fear that I have to lose my husband in order to really get a chance to start over. Not only is he being forced, in very small ways, to look at his own contributions to the losses in our family. I am also seeing my part. I heard a man say at a meeting the other day that in order for his marriage to survive, the old relationship, filled with guilt, shame, fear, anger, resentments, dishonesty had to die. He killed it with complete disclosure to his wife about his past, and now, together they are working to rebuild from a point of honesty and commitment to recovery. She has her program and he has his.

I don't know what will happen in my relationship with my husband. I left that up to my Higher Power a long time ago. My heart is open to continuing the relationship with a man who I admire, love and have built a friendship with. My heart gets scared at the thought of losing what we have built, and my gut tells me to continue to work toward a place of acceptance with the things that are flawed and to live my life in a way that will do as little harm as possible. Only time will tell the outcome and the answer. When it does ... I'll write it down.


Anonymous said...

I was wondering if you were okay - thanks for the update.

Anonymous said...

Stagnation sucks.. But I believe it has purpose.

kat said...

i'm with ya. one step at a time.

vicariousrising said...

I went through a phase like that and I was advised to not do anything drastic, be aware of my feelings and try to live with the discomfort of stagnation. I thought it might never end, then lo and behold, I was in a great new place.

I hope the same happens for you.

Eli said...

I've SO been in the same place, Rae. Just kind of gray and unremarkable. And learning to live with that, rather than extremes of good or bad. And I haven't really felt like writing either. Just got back into it this last couple of days. Good to read this - I was wondering how you were doing.