Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Today

Sometimes I think it would be better if I wrote here every day ... but some days I'm too wrapped up in my disease, other days I'm doing my best to run from it. In an old post -- from July 2004 -- I write about my parallel lives, and say that someday I hope me and Rae meet. So, sometimes I don't write here because I am totally out of tune with which life I am leading: the successful business woman (who, by the way, has recently decided to launch her freelance career), or the sex, love and food addict with depression who sometimes can't get out of the house, or only gets out to have sex with a stranger or two.

It's funny, along the way, I have had a lot of people who read this blog or in the recovery rooms and even my therapists warn me about the dangers of meeting strangers from the Internet. At one level, I always know they are right, at another, I think people would find it interesting to meet all the people I have meet online and in person. I've been lucky that I've never (yet, due to the grace and protection of God) met a real whack job, though I have met a few people who have wanted to do disgusting or humiliating things to me, or vice versa -- wanted me to do those things to them. I have been "fortunate" to have met some very interesting people. A lot of men who are lonely in their marriages, those who are simply wildly horny and as obsessed with sex as I am, and some genuinely nice people who don't know what they are looking for. I've had some amazing conversations, made some good friends, and even been inspired by some of these people I've met. They range from highly successful executives and business owners to blue collar, financially strapped husbands, who just need a little relief from the day to day stresses of life. Some of them, I feel, take bigger risks than me, and I often tell them so. Read my post from earlier this month, where I wrote a letter to one of my "suitors" who had sent me erotic pictures of himself using his real name. He responded with indignation and threatened to use "all his resources" to protect himself. From what? Me? I am not the threat.

A number of you have read my blog for some time ... some of you probably feel sorry for me, others may think I'm a self-righteous whore. You may wonder if I ever think of the wives and the families that are being impacted by my continuing to live in my disease. The answer is yes. It feeds my need to hate myself. I used to think of them a lot more. Now I often only think of the men, and how I use them ... and often toss them away, leaving them feeling rejected and worthless and used. Again, it feeds my need to hate myself. (By the way ... I welcome all comments and questions. Sometimes i can't see my own stuff as well as I can see the stuff of others.)

In the dynamic of my parallel lives, there is a part of me that actually likes many things about myself. This diseased self, I am afraid I will always hate who I am. It reminds me that my mother used to tell me, "Love and hate can't dwell in the same heart." I was talking today to a man I met yesterday. This was our second meeting, and after our first, he told me he felt guilty. Today again he feels guilty ... feels that he has let down himself, God, his family. Like me ... he has the civil war inside his head.

3 comments:

Recovering Wino said...

Oh, if I could only give you advice..if only there was a magical solution...

What I can identify with (and don't take this the wrong way because I feel it, too) is the pride. The pride of seduction or knowing you have interacted with lots of different people...and even though most of the time now I feel remorse about pain I caused others, the addict in me still feels some sense of accomplishment because I "got to know" all those people.

But the truth is, when you really think it through, all of those "relationships" just further isolate you from the truth. All of that junk pushes us further away from happiness.

Kathy said...

I can sooo identify with the road you are traveling. I have traveled it, too. I have recovery in Overeaters Anonymous for my food addiction and, as a result, have also been able to deal with sex issues.

I was in a 5-year long relationship with a married man. Towards the end, when I was realizing he just wasn't going to leave his wife, I started having sex with other men. Most of the time I only knew their first names. Met them all online and I had no problem whatsoever finding someone who wanted sex with me. I'm not saying that in an ego way, just that it's so easy.

Meanwhile, it killed me inside. I know what it's like to enjoy sex, which I do, but also feel like such scum because of what I was doing. While things were going on, no I didn't think of his wife. But a day came where it wasn't enough - not enough guys, not enough sex, not enough food. All I can say that recovery really is possible. We all deserve so much better than all of that.

Kellie said...

I've been reading snippets of your blog today and I don't think you are a whore. I think you've got things inside that you need to figure out (if you haven't already) and are on your way to recovery.

I can definitely relate to the compulsive over-eating. I do that as well.

You are in my prayers ((((HUGS)))))