Sunday, June 05, 2005

"We each are spinning our individual threads, lending texture,
color, and pattern, to the "big design" that is serving us all. Person by person
our actions, our thoughts, our values complement those of our sisters (and
brothers), those of the entire human race. We are heading toward the same
destination, all of us, and our paths run parallel on occasion, intersect
periodically, and veer off in singleness of purpose when inspiration calls

This came from one of the Hazelden meditations and I thought it was appropriate for what I wanted to share today.

Something else I heard today that made me think of you all was an anonymous quote ... "Our friends are God's apology for our family." Wow! I accept and am forever grateful for the friendship that I have found in recovery. It is a blessing beyond words.

I sat down to write that the final decision about our move back to our home state has been made. As I suspected, we are going. The resignation letters were written and our landlord received notice that we will be vacating our apartment here in July. My husband is accepting a position as vice president of his former company. It is a tremendous opportunity for him, and also a good chance for me to do some starting over.

I have thought a lot about a song someone mentioned recently ... "You've got to walk that lonesome valley, you've got to walk it by yourself, ain't nobody here can walk it for you, you've got to walk it by yourself." It is so true. Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey. Even in making such a major decision, I have felt myself disconnected from my husband -- one because I subconciuously chose to for self-protection and two because he chose to make his decision in the solitude of his mind.

In the whole process of considering this move, the one thing that has caused me the greatest concern is my fear of separating from the support system that I feel right now is still holding me up. When I think of leaving my face to face group, leaving the Northeast where at least four people in this group can get together now and then, I actually visualize a tree coming up from the roots it has planted so deeply. I have felt like I am abandoning people I have grown to love, and that in doing so I am abandoning myself. It is like when I was in a horrible car accident 13 years ago and my leg was crushed, leaving me with only a rod and a bunch of screws and pins to keep my leg and ankle together. I went from a plaster cast, to a hard plastic cast, to an air cast, to nothing. But the day the doctor told me I had to start walking without crutches, I was literally scared to death. I was afraid I could not walk on my own. I feel that way now.

But the fact is ... I am not doing this on my own. I am choosing to isolate myself and feel alone, because it's the only place I've ever known to turn -- inside. Yet, if I open my eyes and see the gift of friendship that God has given me -- I see that I am not the only one suffering from these emotional turbulations. I am not so special, there are others here, facing their own individual feelings about moving, but holding hands in friendship, and walking together. I am so thankful for the blessings of my Higher Power, and the bigger picture that he allowed me to see today.

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