Releasing the sanity

I don't write or read much anymore ... but I know that I need to, because I see myself being trapped by my own insanity. I wake up in the morning with obsessive thoughts of what's going wrong, what's going right. I can't quite get a handle on them. But if I simply do something to take my mind away from it for awhile, I feel calm, in control.

I woke up this morning and couldn't quit thinking of J. and what might be going on with him, how I'm going to handle it if he tells me that he needs a break or worse, that he's done with me. He's been a form of sanity for me for about five months now. NP asked me once, "If he's gone, will you have to replace him?" God I hope not. I want this cycle to end. But I also want him in my life. I obsess over the thought that he might not be there, that he may grow tired, bored, and be ready to move on. Or maybe that I will overwhelm him with my intensity.

Anyway, the point was that I woke up with those thoughts and thought I'd get up and blog them out. But I started reading the NY Times online and then even posted something to my social commentary site. I thought about other things, broader things, things outside this fucked up world that goes on inside my head. I have to find life outside my head.

Saturday morning thinking

I continue to try to convince myself I am no longer an addict of the Internet, of sexual chat -- that I am simply a woman living a promiscous life and exploring her sexuality, finding refuge from her marriage, which she's not sure is lastable.

But as I just read over some very thoughtful commentary I wrote about a year ago ... I know that my mind continues to be overwhelmed with thoughts of the Internet, my chat partners, my sex partner. I see one step continuing to lead to another. (Even as I just typed, I signed on to my messenger service to make sure none of my contacts were on.) Yesterday I participated with J. in our first foursome. There is already a plan for a possible orgy.

Of course, I have no idea how J. feels about the experience because we didn't get a chance to talk and it's driving me crazy.