Today

As I start my day today I have so many men crammed into my head that I am worn out just thinking of them. And, yet, to escape, I spent a few hours online last night and probably more today chatting with more men who are trying to escape the humdrumness of their lives. I just finished reading "The World According to Garp," by John Irving. A predominant theme is how powerful lust can be, and the damages it can do in relationships. Lust ... it doesn't even seem to be the word I should use for the force that draws me to other men. Obsession seems to be a better term.

This evening I will meet a man at a motel for sex. I've had sex with him once before. Quite frankly he is less than desirable, but his own lust makes him persistent. I am just ready to be rid of him. So, I'll fuck him one last time and then tell him I can't see him again because my lover is moving closer and I can't risk being caught by either my husband or my lover. That was my plan, and then he was out of touch today ... so, I guess I won't fuck him, but I am going to have to get rid of him.

There is another man who has professed his love to me ... his undying devotion. He has lost his job, is going through divorce, and is about to head into bankruptcy, but the most prevalent thought in his mind is that he has found the woman of his dreams -- me. The only problem is, it's becoming more and more obvious to me that he is not the man of my future. He is not responsible for his own shit, and depends upon me for his happiness. I don't have enough to give for that.

And now my sponsor -- yes, the one who is supposed to support me -- continues to seduce me, to tell me he loves me so deeply that the only way he can show his love for me is to seduce me into phone sex. Then he is silent. I received an e-mail from him at lunch saying that I should not obsess over men who eat human flesh with a nice chianti. Basically, he was saying that he doesn't want to play, that he controls the faucet for when we intrigue and when we are just good friends. Tell me this? How is this different than the way I have been treated by the men who have hurt me most ... my stepfather who incested me and my husband who is sexual only when he wants it? All I want from them, need from them, expect from them is love. And all they need from me is sex.

I know that I just need to get back to my "real" life and leave all this behind. I am just not sure where my real life is.