I've not been nearly as honest with my husband, my sponsor or my readers. I've slipped a few times over the past few months, given in to those lower urges, lived to regret it, walked away, went back again, walked away. Through it all, I haven't told anyone, until a month or so ago when I said I had to walk away from a friendship that had become addictive. The truth is that relationship had become sexual.
The cycle of dishonesty and secrets is ugly. It's painful. It truly is painful to act out now. I know there's a better way, a clearer path, but I have to stay on it long enough to find my way. I know that honesty is the friend of my recovery, and the enemy of the addict.
Thank you, Eli, for helping me find the courage to tell the truth. Thank you, God, for planting that courage inside.
I heard recently:
Step 1 tells me there's a power that wants to destroy me.
Step 2 tells me there's a power that wants to save me.
Step 3 tells me I get to choose which power wins.
I've been allowing self-will to seek the power that wants to destroy me. God, I've made the biggest mess of my life, please grant me the willingness to turn it over to you. Just for today, I'll settle for the courage to hit "Publish."
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5 comments:
I'm proud of you, Rae. I'm really glad you came clean. I'm sure that was really difficult. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You might have stumbled, but you haven't lost your way.
I had wondered if some of that raw anger towards yourself a few posts back had a more specific cause. You are still a wonderful, worthy person. Don't beat yourself up over the mistakes made. I'm sending good wishes your way.
You did the next right thing after reading Eli's post. I commend you for that. It's so much easier to be dishonest than honest when we are feeling shame.
Thanks for sharing that bit about the steps. I wrote it down and might share it on my blog. Something for me to meditate on today.
I'm proud of you, too, Rae. And I'll say the same thing I said to Eli--it's important to focus on the triumph of getting honest and stopping it before it got seriously out of control. If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't learn.
Rae-
I'm so sorry for not responding sooner! I saw this right after you posted and was very moved by your courage, and happy that in a small way I was able to be a part of this step. I am always blown away by the way we help each other in recovery to do things that would be impossible alone.
I delayed writing back to you because I had so much on my mind that I wanted to write a post on my blog in response to yours, but the truth is that it's turned out to be a very difficult week. I signed on a few times and read a few things, but I've been so depressed that I've found it difficult to write much. I think that it's definitely related to coming back after a slip - it's a hard reality to face.
I'm going to guess that you've probably gone through some of the same swings I have. On the one hand, nobody but an addict can understand how elating it is to step away from the nightmare, and how wonderful it feels to find some freedom. On the other hand, I find that I swing into a pretty heavy depression when my mind realizes I've cut off that escape.
Know that I've been thinking about you, and I'm thankful for the encouragement you passed along in this post.
Oh I forgot- I love the thing about the first three steps. I've held on to that this week and said it to myself a few times.
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