Still here …
5 years ago
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Today
Today I have plans to act out ... to meet a married man for sex in a hotel. He seems very loving and sensual. Likely we'll enjoy each other. I don't feel the usual struggle. I know I'm wasting my time and this is time that I could be using to move forward. But I'm not. I'm where I am and I just want to have sex with strangers and numb the pain of being close to my stepfather who sexually abused me for 10 formative years of my life, the pain of moving back to a place I consider home and still feeling isolated because that's where my addiction takes me, the pain of ... who knows what. It's easier just to take a big ol toke from this weed I smoke -- sex.
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3 comments:
We try to convice ourselves that we dont have to do that, that it'snot good to fall again. But, at the same time, a inner voice says:
- why not ?
- I am independent enough to do whatever I want,
- I can do that If I feel like that,
- why do I have to be like people want me to be ?
- Anywhoo, it will be the last time...
Everything above will be fine for you if, at least, you dont regret about what you do later.
Take care
I did feel guilty after ... but it didn't stop me. At least now I feel ready to stop again.
I felt guilty because the man had been married for 30 years and had never cheated on his wife until he met me that day in the hotel.
There are plenty of reasons for "Why not" when you hear that.
You shouldnt feel guilty because of him, only if you dont feel good with yourself. His wife and other stuffs related to his life are his responsability, not yours.
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