I want to say ... pathetic

I just spent the last 10 minutes checking four e-mail accounts, two messenger accounts, and the blog for messages. I am desparate for human interaction, yet here I sit.

I have never allowed myself to be a victim of anything, why am I allowing myself to be a victim of this ... addiction, and failing to take the very clear and easy steps to find "real" interaction with the world and all its lovely people?

I did a good thing (I think) yesterday in that I created a new screen name, put two buddies on it, one of whom is a long-time college friend, and kept that running in the background, rather than the other account where I would likely get IM'd throughout the day. But still I craved for those messages and don't feel strong enough to just tear myself away.

I went to see S. last night at the store and sucked him dry in the back office. I felt nothing. It was empty. So, why did I do it? I have no freakin' idea. It was fun. I could. But there was no purpose. He didn't even ask me to come. I went on my own.

Another thing is that even though I created the new account yesterday and wasn't chatting, I was still searching the Internet much of the day, mainly looking at blogs -- again in search of a human connection. Last night after we got home from the grocery store 2 and a half hours slipped away like nothing as I surfed for all sorts of stuff, music, books, news, blogs, etc.

I did have a good face to face conversation with my friend AR yesterday at lunch. Of course, we always have good conversations. We talked about that she is coming home from class and is doing nothing for the rest of the day, so we agreed that I would come by and we could go for a walk sometimes. We could both use and and it would be a good time to see each other and talk. She'll be leaving in about three weeks, so we need to spend some time together.

Also, had a good chat with my RT friend PRE yesterday (the college friend who is on my list). I'm afraid I worried her a bit. Other than BV, she's the only person I've even mentioned the word affair to, and I've told her that I haven't had one and him that there was only one and it's over. The lies have allowed me to talk to them on the surface a bit about some of the issues related to me seeing other men.

This morning I was thinking of eliminating the other messenger account, sending notes to everyone that I'm making a clean cut. I don't feel very confident about being able to do it, or that I won't just IM them from the new account soon.

The biggest problem is that I can't shift my mind away from this. My mind is glued to the Internet, to the people I talk to here. I am distracted by it all the time. I don't think society takes this addiction seriously enough ... but again, that sounds like a victim, something I have always refused to be.

I think another problem is that I find nothing alluring in my work. Have no desire to do the work because I see no reward in it. I have to concentrate on real life. I'm going to pay dearly if I don't. I know that, but somehow that fear has no teeth.

Morning musing

I have spent my life listening to other people, keeping me and my feelings to myself. I think that this wave of feeling overwhelmed by my negative feelings is a result of me taking so much in and rarely letting out.

The morning after

I took the plunge this morning and told my husband that I was seeing a counselor. He reacted coolly, but in a way I know was supportive. I feel better having told him. All I need is one more thing to hide.

And as I told him, the counseling sessions are helping. I think the largest breakthrough in my mind from yesterday was that what I have been blaming largely on the how I am feeling about my marriage and to some extent the relocation really is much larger than that, and that the solutions are larger as well. And, somehow, just knowing that or feeling clarified in that has given me some hope that there are solutions. I think I had begun to feel as if there were no answer, that it was either bail completely or live a life that didn’t feel much like living, to feel trapped. I realize fully that there are still many hurdles to overcome, and much courage to rebuild. But I feel that there is an opportunity for opening up my world again.

One thing that is bothering me is that I don’t really think NP has experience in this area of Internet addiction and I’m not sure she knows how devastating it is. Of course, I don’t think that someone has ever had to take a drink to support and counsel an alcoholic, but somehow I don’t think that her expertise in the area of addiction rolls over into this particular area. I’m wondering if I should ask her to bring in another counselor for team counseling on this subject. Maybe I’ll see how things progress first and what I can do on my own. One thing I was thinking about this morning was that in having this addiction it’s like I can’t realize that there is other work to do. For example, this morning, I need to do laundry, but I am drawn to the computer. One point is that I want to write my feelings while they are fresh, but I am also drawn to the idea of talking to Md., who is typically on at this time. I’ll have to find my own way of dealing with that, which basically will involve discipline, one thing I don’t have much of.

For this morning, I’m proud of myself for telling my husband about the counseling sessions and proud that I said, “I knew it was something I needed and it is something I want to continue.”

What a difference a few things can make

It’s amazing how much different my husband and I feel as a couple after a weekend with friends. One family came over on Saturday and
spent the night, then another family joined us on Sunday for a rigorous hike that was tons of fun. The first family stayed over
again last night. And I am happy with my husband and he is happy with me and he has barely even hinted at work. I told him tonight that
I appreciated it immensely.

Originally written May 25, 2004

I was asked by Nanet to write my differing feelings on S. and E. I had told her, a bit off the cuff, that think the appeal with E.
is that someone of his stature and confidence is attracted to me. With S. I said I feel I have something to offer him that he wants
desperately. Interestingly, in a conversation I had this week with E. he said that he finds it interesting that he has more money
and power now and more women are interested. It sort of haunted me to think that that was why I was interested in him. Then
today I saw a guy at the conference that I attended who looked and reminded me so much of him, and it wasn’t his money or
power that attracted me … but his aura of self-confidence.

Yesterday E. and I had a good conversation and he wanted to know if I was interested in seeing him in the future (considering
that I told him that we were going to take a hiatus so he could pursue his BDSM stuff). We also talked business some today
and yesterday. It was good and basically felt like we were back to our old “comfortable” conversations.

As for S. – He joined me here (in H’burg) for a couple of hours and we had a good time. He was very giving and warm. He
said I relieved some of his extreme tension, which made me feel good. I woke up in the hotel bed still feeling the evidence of
our lovemaking in my body and remembering the comfort with which we talked and laughed. Funny, one of the things I think I
am battling with in the overall scheme of things is association with only (people of my husband's culture)– and now this. And he’s so much like my husband in that
he never shares any overall feelings really, never lets me in.

I brought the wrong journal with me on this trip, so I didn’t want to write these thoughts in that one, because it is the journal
that I used to write about my husband in our very early days. I opened the journal this morning and read, “I am about to marry the most
complete man I have ever known.” It seems ironic now that it is his lack of completeness – his focus on work and inability to
focus on me – that has left me feeling resentful, unimportant and “in the way.” We may do something fun now and then but
almost always it feels like an interruption of his work, most often his mind is not in it.

Nanet said something in our last session about how there may be things that I like that I don’t want to give up. I would say that
exploring other men’s bodies and personalities is certainly something I am enjoying. Maybe part of that is simply developing
connections with new people… intimate connections, things that I feel are missing. Maybe there is something now that is not
allowing me to develop intimate connection without sex being involved. The sex is not that important to me, but the ability to
please and share is extremely important.

As for how I am doing with weaning myself – not really that well. But I am in a much better place than I was two weeks ago.
But I say not so good because there are three people out there who have not yet been explored and I’m still talking to them
and making hints (even loose plans) to meet them. (Since I have written this, I have clarified friendship with one (M.) and I am
glad to have him as a friend. Another (G.) I have not resolved, but I know that ultimately we will be friends only. The last I
have had some pretty intriguing conversations with and will likely meet.



---

...

There are plenty of things I haven't had the chance to write about this week. I think if I compare where I was two weeks ago in regard to my chat addiction, I am much better. I achieved some things at work and spent some time being productive. Still there were days, like Friday, that I could most certainly have been more effective. And, if I consider that on Saturday morning I took some trouble arranging a meeting with S. and then since I was in the neighborhood and had received a message from Mark saying, "I'm missing your kissin'" on Friday -- I arranged to meet him for a quick talk and kiss. Later in the day, Jerry IM'd me again, really trying to convince me to see him again. His wife is going out of town for a few weeks.
I write these things and cannot believe I am the same woman who has spent the day with our friends and with my husband hiking. They came over last night and spent the night. He and I scrambled together like mad to clean the house after they said they were coming. Then we all spent the day hiking and picnicking. It was a good time with good friends. Yet, still tonight, I know that if they were not staying again, I would be in on the computer. Yet, I am still here writing in my journal, my husband is sleeping in the bed beside the table where I am writing, our friends are in the other room, and I can only imagine what any of them would think if they were to read what I have written about my activities for just the past week -- not to mention the past few months. In my mind, I say to myself that I would never, ever want to do anything to hurt my husband and that is the truth as I know it. Yet I can only imagine the devastation I would feel if he were to find out. I think I am numb to that thought. I am easily carrying out this lifestyle and getting away with it. Yet I keep saying to myself, you are choosing every day to live like this and you have to be prepared to live with the consequences. Yet somehow I can't see the consequences. I don't know if it is that I don't want to see them, or if I am living in a dream world or if it really and truly possible to live a life like this without detection. In one way, I guess I think if it is possible to do these things undetected, there is really no one who cares enough to know what is going on in my life.
I keep thinking of something my friend Bill told me a month or so back though -- "Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they can't see you." That sort of whispers in my ear.
NP had asked me to write how I feel about S&E. I wrote about that some in another entry not yet recorded. But I should say plainly that while those are the two guys I see most often at the moment, they certainly aren't the only ones on my radar. Martin, Gordon, and most recently Maj come to mind. Martin, who is there almost every night to say hello, a stable force who clearly has some affection, admiration or something, even if it's only for my nice description of a blow job. Gordon's a nice guy. I could see him being a friend and Maj told me he'd really like to get closer to me -- although I am suspecting he's quite a player.
It's hard to imagine how this is all going to end, what the outcome will be. Somehow I do feel I'm working toward something though.

My first post

Well, I had really intended to start this online journal with something else ... but since I have this on my mind, I'll start here and go backward.

It's Friday night, we're into the Memorial Day weekend, by at least an hour and a half. I came home early so I could get and start dinner for us to eat together and get a good start on the weekend. But, at 6:30 p.m., you're still no where to be seen or heard from. I want to say when you walk in the door ... "You know what, I could have probably met at least two, maybe three men after work, but I didn't even try, because I wanted to come home and be with you." But, instead you'd rather spend the time at work. Well really I know you are not working, you are talking to your friends on your cell phone, because that's what you do on Friday afternoons. And, you know what, you have every right to do that. But just for once I would like to feel that you have come home early because you want to be with me. And I wish that I didn't want to yell at you as soon as you walk in the door. I want us to be friends, to have fun together, to do things together. It's like you stay away until you know that I'll have your dinner cooked for you and then come home. It's so incredibly frustrating.

On another note, I'm not doing so well at weaning myself from the Internet. I spent plenty of time on today and was with both S. and E. this week. And as I got home today I signed on to see if I had messages and J., another guy that I thought I had given enough hints to that he would be gone IM's me and we talk and he says "I know one thing, you are the best woman I've ever been with." Talk about a wowie! Even though I know he's a liar and will do or say most anything for a piece of ass and he certainly wasn't the best guy that I've ever been with. He's too old -- lied to me about his age, then told me when we were together that he's 58. When I met him one night in a hotel room he arranged we had sex for hours, but when I was sucking his cock, he said things like "Suck Daddy's cock, that's a good girl, make Daddy cum." Of course, that set me off emotionally. I told him as we talked after not to say it again and why. Of my previous abuse he said, "That's sad." He didn't act like he cared too much. Anyway, I've not been very interested in him since, but not just because of that.

As for S., we had a great time on Tuesday when I went over to H'burg early for a conference. He joined me in the hotel room for a couple of hours and we had a great time. It felt good and relaxed and fun being with him. He was a bit shy and later told me that I was the first person to ever take him in my mouth. I liked that.

On Thursday, after I got back from H'burg, E. IM'd me and wanted to get together, cause he was bringing his daughter to a ball game near my office. The office cleared out early and I brought him to my office and performed oral sex on him, with the door closed, of course. He was not rough at all, except for with my breasts a little. Today he told me he felt like he came a lot (which he did) and it felt good. But he didn't really act like he had much time to talk, which didn't feel good.

...

I have my second appointment with NP today, so I wanted to catch up on the events of last week. I did well at the beginning of the week, but by week's end I had three more encounters (two with the same person) and Thursday was almost all day on the computer -- with more work done in between than usual -- debriefing with E., who I called things off with before we left for home on Friday. I should say, I told him, "Let's take a hiatus." I would say overall though, I did much better with the Internet. I didn't allow any additional contacts and I eliminated several from my list. However, I did make one more new RT contact (who I had previously talked to online) and that one is a little iffy at the moment. We were out of town for the weekend and I didn't hear from him.
---
later that night:

I wanted to record some thoughts from my visit with NP while they were fresh on my mind. It's interesting how pleased I was when she said, "You're intelligent." I have always prided myself on that, but also know that I often times feel stupid by the way my husband talks to me and maybe intimidated by his intelligence. I recall that this weekend I was trying to talk to him and felt he was not really listening to me and said to him, "Do you feel like conversation is like racquetball, you have to have an equally adept partner?" He replied with an essential "yes," although not quite that straightforward.
The other thing that I found interesting was that she said there may be things you want to hide, keep a secret, because you like them and don't want to give them up. Basically, she was saying that I've lived my life in a culture of hiding things. (We talked about my sexual abuse quite extensively today.) I found that interesting that she said that because I was hiding my conversation with S. today, in which he said he was about to be on the streets if he didn't get $12,000 to pay off some back due taxes. His telling me this left me to believe that maybe that was the whole reason he was pursuing me to begin with. It is also true about me hiding things in my life. My poor credit, food that I shouldn't be eating, those things.
NP asked me to write about the way E. and S. make me feel in terms of desiring me. I will do that later on. For now I have to decide between the computer and paying bills.

The beginning of healing

These notes are transcribed from a handwritten journal that I don't want to have around the house.

5/17/04
Today I entered my first session of therapy. I am seeing NP, a licensed social worker here in B'hem. For a first session, things went well. She focused too much on insurance, but I understand. As we got to the point of me telling her why I came things went well, as I was able to focus on the primary and urgent thing that brought me (online addiction) and sort of go out from there to talk about my issues of loneliness and isolation.
She gave me three assignments to work on. They will have to be broken down into short term goals, but they are:
1. Wean myself from the Internet (non-essential use)
2. Develop a wider social circle
3. Improve communication with my husband.
Some interesting things that she said was that she had seen I'n men who were very passionate and affectionate. She also asked how difficult it had been for me to assimilate in Pa.
Regarding my addiction, she initially said just stop cold turkey, but then was willing to concede that I could say goodbye if I felt that was more appropriate.
In breaking down the issue of weaning myself from chat, after the session, I set these sub goals for myself:
1. ID people who are not clearly important or interested and delete them from my list. E-mail others to whom I feel I owe an explanation.
2. Don't accept any new IMs from new people and don't seek out any new people.
3. Eliminate extra IDs.
For the most part, I am not worried about what I'm going to say, but rather with a couple of folks how it will be received. Specifically, I'm thinking of S., Mrk, Sal, and maybe even G. I'm also thinking who are the people I'll keep on the list and how I will manage that. BV goes without question, same for Anil. Saying anything to E. is questionable. We'll see how that progresses.
As for the other parts of the assignment, let's see what I can come up with.

5/18/04
Last night before I went to bed I had to go online, but I controlled myself to about 30 minutes and I erased a whole bunch of names. This morning I woke up and almost immediately went online to see if I had any messages. I think I would have probably done that anyway, but I think it was more of a draw because last night my husband and I made really hot love and in his usual style, he rolled over and went to sleep. Then this morning he got out of bed without so much as a kiss, and woke me up, angry because he could not find the duster to dust off one of his books. His actions leave me feeling that he doesn't want to hold me and that there are things that are far more important to him than I am. His books, his job, all these things.

The real test of my resolve will be at work. I have a lot of work to do today and also a lot of catching up to do. I will also want to write to BV and Anil -- which will put me at the computer. I will eliminate the other ID today.

5/19/04
I did "fairly" well yesterday in my attempts to wean myself from the Internet. I eliminated one ID, deleted several screen names, refused to speak to a couple of "new" chatters. However, I was pretty active online in the afternoon at work.
I IM'd E. about some BDSM stuff in a book I'm reading and also sort of "looked for" S. all day until he showed up and then I talked to him for about an hour before leaving work, then talked to him on the phone and then again online at home.
I did get some work done at the office, but ignored some work for the non-profit. I simply am not doing the routine work, including paperwork and e-mail. I think I will shut down the computer this morning and try to do a couple of errand outside the office in the afternoon.
I think I'm feeling very addicted to the attention S. is giving me. He says things like, "you are beautiful, I feel so good when i'm with you or talking to you, you make me feel so happy," all of these things I want to hear.
I have to keep telling myself that I'm responsible for me. See, there's a draw to go and sit at the computer now. Not to sit here and write these things, but go see if I have any messages. Instead I need to be sending messages to myself that I am accountable and that I need to be responsible. I need to be to work on time and I need to exercise. That's the bottom line. The draw is very strong. That doesn't mean I have to give into it. I just crave one little message.
(more to be added)