tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123027.post310055020731489687..comments2023-10-05T09:56:38.656-04:00Comments on Rae's Confessions: Thinking Aloud at 4 a.m.Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352920897908430774noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123027.post-37540161867211701922009-08-22T14:54:56.928-04:002009-08-22T14:54:56.928-04:00I love the way GentlePath put it:
"Not every...I love the way GentlePath put it:<br /><br />"Not every relationship survives the trauma of disclosure, just like not every relationship survives the trauma of addiction. But disclosure can be the beginning of a new relationship, while addiction is a dead end."<br /><br />This was what I was trying to say, but she said it much more succinctly. I didn't separate from my husband because of anything he'd done in his addiction, I separated from him because he chose to keep living the lie.MargauxMeadehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12825471511010339716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123027.post-1360577827179146902009-08-22T10:28:44.220-04:002009-08-22T10:28:44.220-04:00I don't know. If they truly were "soberin...I don't know. If they truly were "sobering" thoughts then recovery would be a heck of a lot easier than it is.<br /><br />I couldn't stay sober without full disclosure but it really is cruel to do this to a spouse without the help of a qualified therapist. Sexual betrayal is in an entirely different league from drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, or any other ways people compulsively try to self medicate. It's a deep, deep wound.<br /><br />Not every relationship survives the trauma of disclosure, just like not every relationship survives the trauma of addiction. But disclosure can be the beginning of a new relationship, while addiction is a dead end.<br /><br />I really admire you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123027.post-18498861028074673372009-08-21T12:51:24.651-04:002009-08-21T12:51:24.651-04:00Rae--I think it's all how you look at it. You ...Rae--I think it's all how you look at it. You mention that you're worried about "destroying" your husband's world by disclosing, but the truth is, not being fully honest is more destructive to the relationship than speaking the truth. The relationship is slowly being destroyed every day that the lie remains. Telling him gives you the chance to really rebuild, whereas not telling him means it will continue to slowly break down. <br /><br />That's not at all to say that I don't empathize with how scary the prospect of disclosure is. My husband and I never got to the point where he disclosed to me, and that's a big reason why we're separated now, so I don't have any advice. However, it could help to ask a few partners of SAs who have been through disclosure for some tips on how to do it as gently as possible.MargauxMeadehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12825471511010339716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123027.post-59233344941271696312009-08-21T06:45:28.933-04:002009-08-21T06:45:28.933-04:00I think it's true, that the things we don'...I think it's true, that the things we don't tell are things we are able to not be accountable for. It's one of the reasons that when I went to rehab, I decided to out myself to everyone (including my closest local liquor store -- uh, I was kinda drunk at the time and on my way to check into detox. I'm not sorry I did it, but it did embarrass my husband a little. I think it's kind of funny).<br /><br />For you, however, it is no simple task of revealing how you hurt yourself. I'm so glad you have realized how much support there is out there no matter what sort of mistakes you make. I don't know what experience any of the people you know have, but I wonder if talking to your husband with a sexual addiction counselor present might be helpful for both of you. I'm sure he would benefit from knowing more about what you are suffering from and it might help him understand that it is not a reflection of how you want your marriage to be.<br /><br />{{{Rae}}}<br /><br />Keep writing, whether it's on the blog or in private journals. I think it's good for you to get it out.Judithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16354890444410748967noreply@blogger.com